Missing You Is Killing Me

No matter how far away I run, no matter how fast I move, no matter how much I try to cover my tracks, they always seem to find me. I don't know how they do it. Maybe they hide in my bags, or sneak in the back seat of the car when I'm not looking. Maybe they latch themselves onto my shoes and hold on for the hike. Maybe they can smell me out and hunt me down like prey. It doesn't really matter how they do it. The point is, I can't outsmart them. I can't escape them, I can't hide from them, and I most certainly can't face them head on and fight them. They have defeated me. I am at their mercy. They control my life. Every minute of every day they are there. In my dreams they are there. When I smile, when I frown, when I laugh, when I cry. When I'm tired, when I'm wide awake. When I'm surrounded by people, and when I'm alone in my room. They are always there. I try to ignore them, but to no avail. There is no hope. There is no way to beat them. They are more powerful than anything I've ever known. They are forceful, destructive, catastrophic, and yet delicate and beautiful too. They are in charge of my life now.

These thoughts of you, always creeping in my head. Why can't I forget you?

Missing someone has to be one of the most exhausting things one can experience.

I love...

...the sweet things he says to me to make me feel better.

...when he tells me to smile.

...when he calls me beautiful.

...that he worries about me.

...when he holds doors for me, and always lets me go first.

...that he calls me first when something's upsetting him, even if it's one in the morning.

...how safe I feel when he hugs me.

...that he remembers every little thing I've ever told him, even things that won't ever matter or come up in a conversation again.

...how much I smile when I'm around him.

...his taste in music.

...his friends.

...his eyes.

...the person he's trying to help me become.

...the other side of life that he's opened my eyes to, which I never saw before.

...his spontanaeity.

...his hair, especially when it's still wet from a shower.

...that I have to stand on my tiptoes to hug him.

...that he loves baking cookies with me.

...that he would be willing to suffer through the cheeziest of chick flicks just to see me happy.

...his family.

...his dog.

...that he knows how to get anywhere by bus.

...that he always knows what to say to make me feel better.

...when he casually touches me.

...everything about him.

<333

I love him.

13 Secrets

(inspired by http://itsureiscold.blogspot.com/ and http://iwannabebetterthanoxygen.blogspot.com/)

13 things you may not know about me..

1. I wish I could track down my best friend from when I was a toddler, just to see how she's turned out. I've even spent hours looking for her on the internet.

2. Sometimes I find myself looking down on my mom because I feel like I'm smarter than her.

3. I like thinking about what my funeral would be like. When I'm depressed I like it because I like the thought of me being dead. When I'm happy I like it because I like thinking about all the people who would go to my funeral; it reminds me that I'm loved.

4. I drink because my dad does and I hope that one day he'll find out that by the age of seventeen I've already earned myself the nickname "The Alcoholic" among my friends, and it'll hurt him as much as his drinking has hurt me.

5. I have the potential to be so much more than I am.

6. The one thing I can always count on to keep me from killing myself when I get really depressed is the thought of what it would do to my mom.

7. I use guys when I know they like me.

8. I think me and my best friend are drifting apart and I think it's my fault. I love her, but sometimes I just can't stand being around her.

9. I say I don't want kids because they're loud, annoying, etc.. The truth is, I've seen plenty of wonderful kids who have been raised really well; I'm just afraid my kids wouldn't turn out that way.

10. I still cry once in a while when I think about my dog. She died three years ago and I truly believe that I would be happier and a better person if she was still alive, or if my parents would let me get a new dog.

11. I don't feel beautiful, and I hate smiling, but I love it when he says "smile, Beautiful".

12. I love the rain. I can't think of anything better than walking home alone in the rain on a cool fall day.

13. I say "I love you" because I love hearing people say it back.

Dead To This World

fuck. i was doing so well. i hate this feeling. i'm trying so hard to be strong. i'm trying so hard to push these thoughts out of my head. i'm trying so damn hard. i try to concentrate on my work. it keeps piling up and due dates approach and it's not done. exams soon and i'm so far behind, there's no way i'm going to catch up. i know i need to work. i know this is important. i know, i really do. but i can't clear my head. i can't focus my thoughts. i'm not angry, even though it probably seems like it when i yell at the people who love me. i'm not sad, even though it probably seems like it when i break down and cry. i'm not tired, even though it probably seem like it when i sleep my days away. i don't know what i am. i don't even know. everything just seem so foggy. my life is like some movie i'm watching from far away. i feel so detached from everything. i know that my actions have consequences, but i don't feel them. i don't feel anything. maybe that's why i started cutting myself before. the pain was some kind of feeling. it reminded me that i was still alive. but now i feel dead inside.

fuck. maybe i should just kill myself. i'm already dead to this world.

Happy Happy Happy!!! =D

"hey trisha, how are ya?"
"i'm good, thanks!"
"ok, but how are you really?"
"i'm actually really good"

and it wasn't a lie :)

i've been doing really well the past few days. i've been happy! like really, genuinely happy. i've been smiling even! and not just these ones :) or even these ones :D but the smiles that go all the way to my eyes like these ones =D lol!

i'm a good friend. my friends can talk to me about anything, and they know it. they know that they can call me at 3 in the morning just to talk. i make my friends happy. it's weird, but all i have to do is smile one of these ones =D and they can't help but smile too. they come to me for hugs too. i love hugs :)

one of my friends keeps telling me that i'm her hero, and today a couple of my friends said that if they could be someone else, they'd be me. i told them that they don't want to be me. they don't see the side of me that these pages see.

another one of my friends told me yesterday that people are lucky to have me as a friend. it made me feel good. what they don't realize is that i've learned from the best: them!

anyways, basically i'm just really happy and i love it, and i owe it all to my amazing friends.

i love you guys! <333

call me, please

i leave my cell phone turned on 24/7. i say it's just in case any of my friends need to talk sometime. really, it's because i'm always hoping that you'll call. everytime i get a call or a message i'm hoping it's from you. you've only ever called me to return my missed calls. sometimes you don't even do that. i know you don't mean to hurt me. i know you're trying to get me to stop hurting myself. that's why i can't bear to tell you that sometimes you're the cause of the pain that you help me cure.

i can't imagine my life without you now, but sometimes i can't help but wonder if things ever would have gotten this bad if i had never met you. sometimes i think that if i hadn't met you, i wouldn't be alive at all today. but other times i think that if i hadn't met you, i'd be the happiest person alive today.

call me, please.

(i know you'll never read this, but maybe you'll call anyway.)

i love you. <3

p.s. i'll be changing the settings on this blog sometime soon so that it' not viewable to, well, anyone. it's just because i want to show my friends the "tellthemday" page but i'm TERRIFIED of one of them finding my blog and figuring out that it's mine, since my blog is linked on that page. it'll only be for a week or so and i'll probably continue posting during that time so anyone who actually reads this can read all the blogs they missed after i've changed the settings back to normal. sorry... :]

Feelings

"Feelings are just having a picture on the screen in your head of what is going to happen tomorrow or next year, or what might have happened instead of what did happen, and if it is a happy picture they smile and if it is a sad picture they cry." --Christopher, in Mark Haddon's novel "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time"

A Few Small Steps in the Right Direction

i got my first (but hopefully not last) letter of acceptance from a university today! well i guess yesterday since it's after midnight but ya.. it's not my first choice but it's still pretty amazing. actually i'm not entirely sure what my first choice is so i can't even say that it's not. ahhh! and they offered me $3000 :D i also went to youth group today and that was pretty sweet. the people there are so incredibly nice and full of love and it's just great to see. and i talked to someone else today about what i've been going through. i didn't go into a lot of details but i think she understood a little bit cause shes been through some similar stuff and it just felt really good. i'm starting to see that i'm really not alone in this or in anything i go through. everyone goes through really big things that they hide from everyone until it breaks them down and they can't take it anymore. if we all just realized that and asked for help a little earlier things would be so different. and after i talked to that girl i texted the guy who's been helping me cause i just felt so happy and he said "you are definately loved Trisha by me and many others... goodnight beautiful" i love it when he calls me beautiful. i've decided i'm gonna start calling my friends beautiful once in a while. and telling them more often that i love them. because if i've been hiding this stuff from them, who knows what they've been hiding from me? maybe they just need a hug and to know that they're loved. afterall, isn't that really all any of us needs?

it's been a long night...

for the last week or so i've been doing really good. yesterday i was actually smiling at work. i felt happier than i have in months, and i thought that maybe, just maybe, i would be happy from now on. but today my depression came back stronger than ever. it's been over a week and a half since i cut myself, but tonight is going to be a hard night. i'm hoping that if i come on here and write everytime that i get the urge to grab a razorblade then maybe i'll be able to make it through. so ya, this blog entry will basically be me just writing whatever pops into my head during the entire night until i finish my homework and i can go to bed and slip into dreams where there is no depression and safety pins are still safe and not used to rip my skin open. ok.. back to homework now...

10:28- ok so i've been sitting here for ages and i can't seem to concentrate on my homework. actually, i can't seem to even open my books. i get this a lot lately. i once actually sat at my desk for three hours without even opening my books. i just don't see the point anymore. all my life i've been in the top of my class. i've worked my ass of getting good marks. i've sacrificed so much of my childhood and teen years being "a good student" and what has it gotten me so far? well, before this whole depression started i was actually heading places. i could've had my pick of any university. i could've gotten tons of scholarships. i was set for life. or at least for the start of life. but now eveything is falling apart. my marks have slipped and i'm down to being an "average" student. don't get me wrong, average is great. but average sets me even with everyone else. now i'm afraid i won't get into my university of choice, and i'm afraid that i won't get any scholarships and i'll being paying off my student loans for 40 years. forty years. shit. that's a long time. forty years of work. so that i can pay off the loans that i had to take out so that i could get the job that would allow me to pay of the loans. that's pretty fucking messed up. and then what? then i die. and it's all been for nothing. i don't see the point. i don't see any point. why shouldn't i just drop out of school and enjoy my meaningless life? or better yet, why shouldn't i just swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet, write a note saying "sorry i couldn't live a life without purpose like the ones the rest of you are living", cut my wrists, and fall asleep forever? what would i lose? and why would it even matter because i would never be alive to regret losing it anyway. i mean, it's not that i want to die. i just don't really have any particular desire to live. i don't have the guts to do it though. at least, i don't think i do. i wonder who would come to my funeral? i actually have a lot of people who love me. they're what keep me from doing anything. i hate to think that me killing myself could send one of them into depression. i would never want any of them to go through what i'm going through. i love them too much. they love me too. i can see it once in a while, when they see me and they smile and i can tell that it's not a fake one like mine, it's real. or when they thank me for being me. not for being a certain way, or doing a certain thing, but just for being me. or when they tell me that they love me and it's not just three words they've strung together into a pretty phrase, it's how they really feel. i could never hurt them. ok.. back to homework now..

11:32- wow i actually got a lot of french homework done and i'm feeling a little better now. it's kind of encouraging when i manage to actually accomplish something. i start to get really focused and determined, and then i work harder and get more done and then i feel even better and it's a really great cycle. normally soccer makes me feel better but tonight i still felt like crap. i think i just had so much going through my head that i couldn't get into the game. i actually asked my coach to bench me. normally he plays me more than everyone else and i love getting the extra playing time but today i made him take me off. i almost started crying. i realized how bad my depression must be if i can't enjoy the thing i love more than anything else in the world. my coach could tell that something was wrong too. people can often tell that something's wrong, but whenever they ask i just dismiss it saying "nothing" or "i'm just tired". and they always accept those answers. it's almost like they're too desperate for everything to be perfect to consider the possibility that i'm lying to them. i don't blame them either. if i was someone else i wouldn't want to get involved with my problems. i've actually told the only friend that knows about my depression and my cutting that he can walk away and pretend like he never knew and we can just end the friendship and i won't have any hard feelings. he refuses though. he's been really great. except today. i told him how horrible i was feeling and he didn't really say anything and then he started talking about his problem that one of his friends is mad at him. i understand that he has his own problems to deal with, but i spent the last week helping him get through another problem and i needed him to help me now. i finally got his attention when i casually mentioned that i was having a lot of trouble resisting the urge to cut myself again. but then shortly afterwards he left with just a quick "bye" and no "call me if you need to talk more" or "i love you" or anything. that really hurt me. maybe i was just being too needy. maybe i was annoying him with my contemplating the meaning of life and all that. but he was the one who said he'd help me through this, no matter what. oh well. i know i wouldn't care so much if i was so fucking in love with him. why can't i seem to get over him? it drives me crazy! sometimes i think i'm over him. when he tells me how happy he is with his girl i actually smile a genuine smile. it makes me happy to hear him so happy. and i love his girl, she's amazing! but then i start having thoughts about what it would be like if he was happy with me instead. maybe it's just because he knows so much about me, i've never felt so close to anyone before. i don't know. i'm kind of mad at him right now. but he is amazing. he'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally, which is why i can never really be mad at him when he hurts me, because i know it was accidental. he's changed me. i can't imagine my life without him anymore. *sighs* ok back to homework for a bit...

12:01- screw it i'm giving up on homework for the night. i'll try and finish the rest, or as much as i can, during my spare tomorrow. wow i actually made it without cutting myself. i didn't think i could. apparently i should have more faith in myself. ok nighty night!

Two Storms

the clouds roll by, a rumble in the air. a storm is brewing. and in my mind, another storm brews.
the one outside my window will be violent and explosive. lightning will crack the sky. thunder will shake the earth. rain will pour down, tiny bullets of water pounding on my window, begging to be let in. the heavens will be dark, the sun cowering in fear behind clouds. trees will bend, bowing at the mercy of the winds. the power of the storm will be clearly visible in the destruction that it causes.
the storm in my head is quite different. it is dark and chaotic, just like the one outside. it is messy and frightening. just as powerful, just as destructive. however, no one will know its strength. no one will know its damage. no one, except me, will realize what this storm is capable of. the battle of wind and rain will break me down from the outside. but the battle of my mind will tear me apart from the inside, and no one will see until it is too late. the streets may flood but the thoughts whirling around in my mind are what will drown me.
the storm outside will be quick. once it is finished, the air will be calm. pink skies, the sun peeking out in the distance, the dirt of the world washed away. the chaos will pass and be replaced by tranquility. but there is no end in sight for my storm.

that's right, i'm daring to dream

someday, i'm going to do something. i'm going to do something big. big in a good way. and good in a big way. something that will change things. maybe not change the world, but change a life. just one. or even just inspire someone to change their life. that's all i want. one thing that changes one life. then i will be happy.

someday i'm going to do it.

i realized today that i don't want to be a vet. i've said all my life that i want to be a vet. i've taken all the highschool courses to get me there. i've applied to science programs at 5 top universities. i've dreamed of nothing else. until today. i will still be a vet, but it's not what i want the most.

i want to be a writer.

it's just another dream, but at least i'm daring to dream, right?

Happy New Year's

2007. let's hope it goes better than 2006. hey, you never know, this could be the year that we achieve world peace. it's not likely, but it's nice to think that it could be. it will also be the year i graduate from high school and the year i start university. maybe it could be the year i beat my depression, or the year i learn to trust people, or the year i fall in love. it's a new year, and anything can happen..