it's been a long night...
for the last week or so i've been doing really good. yesterday i was actually smiling at work. i felt happier than i have in months, and i thought that maybe, just maybe, i would be happy from now on. but today my depression came back stronger than ever. it's been over a week and a half since i cut myself, but tonight is going to be a hard night. i'm hoping that if i come on here and write everytime that i get the urge to grab a razorblade then maybe i'll be able to make it through. so ya, this blog entry will basically be me just writing whatever pops into my head during the entire night until i finish my homework and i can go to bed and slip into dreams where there is no depression and safety pins are still safe and not used to rip my skin open. ok.. back to homework now...
10:28- ok so i've been sitting here for ages and i can't seem to concentrate on my homework. actually, i can't seem to even open my books. i get this a lot lately. i once actually sat at my desk for three hours without even opening my books. i just don't see the point anymore. all my life i've been in the top of my class. i've worked my ass of getting good marks. i've sacrificed so much of my childhood and teen years being "a good student" and what has it gotten me so far? well, before this whole depression started i was actually heading places. i could've had my pick of any university. i could've gotten tons of scholarships. i was set for life. or at least for the start of life. but now eveything is falling apart. my marks have slipped and i'm down to being an "average" student. don't get me wrong, average is great. but average sets me even with everyone else. now i'm afraid i won't get into my university of choice, and i'm afraid that i won't get any scholarships and i'll being paying off my student loans for 40 years. forty years. shit. that's a long time. forty years of work. so that i can pay off the loans that i had to take out so that i could get the job that would allow me to pay of the loans. that's pretty fucking messed up. and then what? then i die. and it's all been for nothing. i don't see the point. i don't see any point. why shouldn't i just drop out of school and enjoy my meaningless life? or better yet, why shouldn't i just swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet, write a note saying "sorry i couldn't live a life without purpose like the ones the rest of you are living", cut my wrists, and fall asleep forever? what would i lose? and why would it even matter because i would never be alive to regret losing it anyway. i mean, it's not that i want to die. i just don't really have any particular desire to live. i don't have the guts to do it though. at least, i don't think i do. i wonder who would come to my funeral? i actually have a lot of people who love me. they're what keep me from doing anything. i hate to think that me killing myself could send one of them into depression. i would never want any of them to go through what i'm going through. i love them too much. they love me too. i can see it once in a while, when they see me and they smile and i can tell that it's not a fake one like mine, it's real. or when they thank me for being me. not for being a certain way, or doing a certain thing, but just for being me. or when they tell me that they love me and it's not just three words they've strung together into a pretty phrase, it's how they really feel. i could never hurt them. ok.. back to homework now..
11:32- wow i actually got a lot of french homework done and i'm feeling a little better now. it's kind of encouraging when i manage to actually accomplish something. i start to get really focused and determined, and then i work harder and get more done and then i feel even better and it's a really great cycle. normally soccer makes me feel better but tonight i still felt like crap. i think i just had so much going through my head that i couldn't get into the game. i actually asked my coach to bench me. normally he plays me more than everyone else and i love getting the extra playing time but today i made him take me off. i almost started crying. i realized how bad my depression must be if i can't enjoy the thing i love more than anything else in the world. my coach could tell that something was wrong too. people can often tell that something's wrong, but whenever they ask i just dismiss it saying "nothing" or "i'm just tired". and they always accept those answers. it's almost like they're too desperate for everything to be perfect to consider the possibility that i'm lying to them. i don't blame them either. if i was someone else i wouldn't want to get involved with my problems. i've actually told the only friend that knows about my depression and my cutting that he can walk away and pretend like he never knew and we can just end the friendship and i won't have any hard feelings. he refuses though. he's been really great. except today. i told him how horrible i was feeling and he didn't really say anything and then he started talking about his problem that one of his friends is mad at him. i understand that he has his own problems to deal with, but i spent the last week helping him get through another problem and i needed him to help me now. i finally got his attention when i casually mentioned that i was having a lot of trouble resisting the urge to cut myself again. but then shortly afterwards he left with just a quick "bye" and no "call me if you need to talk more" or "i love you" or anything. that really hurt me. maybe i was just being too needy. maybe i was annoying him with my contemplating the meaning of life and all that. but he was the one who said he'd help me through this, no matter what. oh well. i know i wouldn't care so much if i was so fucking in love with him. why can't i seem to get over him? it drives me crazy! sometimes i think i'm over him. when he tells me how happy he is with his girl i actually smile a genuine smile. it makes me happy to hear him so happy. and i love his girl, she's amazing! but then i start having thoughts about what it would be like if he was happy with me instead. maybe it's just because he knows so much about me, i've never felt so close to anyone before. i don't know. i'm kind of mad at him right now. but he is amazing. he'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally, which is why i can never really be mad at him when he hurts me, because i know it was accidental. he's changed me. i can't imagine my life without him anymore. *sighs* ok back to homework for a bit...
12:01- screw it i'm giving up on homework for the night. i'll try and finish the rest, or as much as i can, during my spare tomorrow. wow i actually made it without cutting myself. i didn't think i could. apparently i should have more faith in myself. ok nighty night!
10:28- ok so i've been sitting here for ages and i can't seem to concentrate on my homework. actually, i can't seem to even open my books. i get this a lot lately. i once actually sat at my desk for three hours without even opening my books. i just don't see the point anymore. all my life i've been in the top of my class. i've worked my ass of getting good marks. i've sacrificed so much of my childhood and teen years being "a good student" and what has it gotten me so far? well, before this whole depression started i was actually heading places. i could've had my pick of any university. i could've gotten tons of scholarships. i was set for life. or at least for the start of life. but now eveything is falling apart. my marks have slipped and i'm down to being an "average" student. don't get me wrong, average is great. but average sets me even with everyone else. now i'm afraid i won't get into my university of choice, and i'm afraid that i won't get any scholarships and i'll being paying off my student loans for 40 years. forty years. shit. that's a long time. forty years of work. so that i can pay off the loans that i had to take out so that i could get the job that would allow me to pay of the loans. that's pretty fucking messed up. and then what? then i die. and it's all been for nothing. i don't see the point. i don't see any point. why shouldn't i just drop out of school and enjoy my meaningless life? or better yet, why shouldn't i just swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet, write a note saying "sorry i couldn't live a life without purpose like the ones the rest of you are living", cut my wrists, and fall asleep forever? what would i lose? and why would it even matter because i would never be alive to regret losing it anyway. i mean, it's not that i want to die. i just don't really have any particular desire to live. i don't have the guts to do it though. at least, i don't think i do. i wonder who would come to my funeral? i actually have a lot of people who love me. they're what keep me from doing anything. i hate to think that me killing myself could send one of them into depression. i would never want any of them to go through what i'm going through. i love them too much. they love me too. i can see it once in a while, when they see me and they smile and i can tell that it's not a fake one like mine, it's real. or when they thank me for being me. not for being a certain way, or doing a certain thing, but just for being me. or when they tell me that they love me and it's not just three words they've strung together into a pretty phrase, it's how they really feel. i could never hurt them. ok.. back to homework now..
11:32- wow i actually got a lot of french homework done and i'm feeling a little better now. it's kind of encouraging when i manage to actually accomplish something. i start to get really focused and determined, and then i work harder and get more done and then i feel even better and it's a really great cycle. normally soccer makes me feel better but tonight i still felt like crap. i think i just had so much going through my head that i couldn't get into the game. i actually asked my coach to bench me. normally he plays me more than everyone else and i love getting the extra playing time but today i made him take me off. i almost started crying. i realized how bad my depression must be if i can't enjoy the thing i love more than anything else in the world. my coach could tell that something was wrong too. people can often tell that something's wrong, but whenever they ask i just dismiss it saying "nothing" or "i'm just tired". and they always accept those answers. it's almost like they're too desperate for everything to be perfect to consider the possibility that i'm lying to them. i don't blame them either. if i was someone else i wouldn't want to get involved with my problems. i've actually told the only friend that knows about my depression and my cutting that he can walk away and pretend like he never knew and we can just end the friendship and i won't have any hard feelings. he refuses though. he's been really great. except today. i told him how horrible i was feeling and he didn't really say anything and then he started talking about his problem that one of his friends is mad at him. i understand that he has his own problems to deal with, but i spent the last week helping him get through another problem and i needed him to help me now. i finally got his attention when i casually mentioned that i was having a lot of trouble resisting the urge to cut myself again. but then shortly afterwards he left with just a quick "bye" and no "call me if you need to talk more" or "i love you" or anything. that really hurt me. maybe i was just being too needy. maybe i was annoying him with my contemplating the meaning of life and all that. but he was the one who said he'd help me through this, no matter what. oh well. i know i wouldn't care so much if i was so fucking in love with him. why can't i seem to get over him? it drives me crazy! sometimes i think i'm over him. when he tells me how happy he is with his girl i actually smile a genuine smile. it makes me happy to hear him so happy. and i love his girl, she's amazing! but then i start having thoughts about what it would be like if he was happy with me instead. maybe it's just because he knows so much about me, i've never felt so close to anyone before. i don't know. i'm kind of mad at him right now. but he is amazing. he'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally, which is why i can never really be mad at him when he hurts me, because i know it was accidental. he's changed me. i can't imagine my life without him anymore. *sighs* ok back to homework for a bit...
12:01- screw it i'm giving up on homework for the night. i'll try and finish the rest, or as much as i can, during my spare tomorrow. wow i actually made it without cutting myself. i didn't think i could. apparently i should have more faith in myself. ok nighty night!
2 Comments:
you are right about one thing, life is pointless. but you are wrong if you think that everyone finds pourpse. i sure dont. i mean, everyday is the same. you wake up, work, worry...and basically just get thru it. only to do it all over again tomorrow. and it never changes. but thats okay, because maybe it doesnt have to. maybe life is supposed to be that way. maybe the whole point is to find out that you dont need a pourpse to live. you just need you and thats all.
by the way, thanks :) i talked to my boyfriend about me thinking we are going too fast and ironicly he felt the same way and just thot i wanted it. so yea, things are good now:)
Post a Comment
<< Home