Saturday, December 30, 2006

"This Is A Call" --Thousand Foot Krutch

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again her mother
lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feelslike falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
' Cause everytime I fall down,
Ireach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he feels his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
cause he likes it that way.

He knows, he's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

He's calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
' Cause everytime I fall down,
Ireach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meantto feel alone.

And now I'm calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'masking you,
to show me what this life is all about.
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

Friday, December 29, 2006

Sometimes...

sometimes i want someone to ask me how i am. i don't mean just ask the question, i mean really ask me how i am. really mean it. really care about the answer i give them. and when i lie through the smile i'm struggling to hold on my face, i want them to grab my hand, hold it tight, look me in the eye, and tell me to tell the truth. i want someone to tell me that they don't want me to hurt anymore. tell me that it tears them up inside when they see me tearing myself apart. tell me that they miss my smile, the real one, when my eyes would glow and the world seemed a better place just because of it. tell me that they would do anything just to see that smile again, to see me happy.

sometimes, that's what i want.

but most of the time, the thought of showing my true self to someone terrifies me.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Please, Let Me Catch You

You took a chance, took a risk, climbed out on a limb. As a girl, I snapped that limb and sent you falling downwards. But as your friend, I'll be standing at the bottom waiting to catch you before you land.

Everything's going to change, isn't it?

We had a perfect friendship, the three of us. We were so different, no one understood how we could even be friends. I loved the funny faces they made when I told them who I was spending my Friday night with. But it worked, our little thing we had going on. The really smart guy, involved in all the non-sports-related extra-curriculars, the emo guy, new to town, and me, the girl whose interests crossed somewhere between yours plus sports. I loved what we had. We joked. We made fools out of ourselves and didn't care that people were watching. We could talk for hours and forget about all the homework that we were actually supposed to be working on. It was different from any other friendships I had. It was an escape.

But then something changed. I've thought alot about whether girls and guys can ever really be just friends. I hoped, I really did, that they could. For a while there I thought I had found the answer I was looking for. And then, well, I don't really know what happened. Suddenly, instead of the three of us, it became two. Me and one guy, or me and the other. I didn't think much of it, partly because I didn't want to, and partly because I had convinced myself that it was just because our schedules were too different, making plans for three just wasn't possible. Of course, when you asked me out, it became a little difficult to ignore this little love triangle I unknowingly built for myself.

Or did I know? Didn't I ask someone a couple weeks ago if I should be worried about you wanting more than friendship? Didn't I lie awake several nights running over in my head the things you had said? Haven't I known for a while now that, no, girls and guys can't be just friends? And yet, I kept going. I didn't try to make my intentions clearer. I never stopped to think about how this could hurt you. Instead I just ignored your feelings, because I didn't want to deal with them. I was happy with where we were and I didn't want it to change so I just pretended to not notice. I lead you on. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. And now I don't know how to tell you all this.

Yes, everything is going to change.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Proverbs

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief. (Proverbs 14:13)

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:13)

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones. (Proverbs 15:30)

Red

Ever since I was a little kid, red has always been my favourite colour. Red was brilliant and bold. Red was mysterious and seductive. Red was playful and dangerous. Red was strong but beautiful. Red was everything I wanted to be. Now, red is simply the colour of my blood as it runs down my arm from the cuts on my wrists, and drips from the razorblade used to make those cuts. The razorblade that I held in my hand. I did this to myself. I ruined the colour red.

Monday, December 18, 2006

i hate loving you

i hate how you can make me feel. i hate how dependent i've become on you. i hate the way others look at me when i'm with you. i hate that i can't imagine my life without you. i hate that i don't want to imagine my life without you. i hate that i love you. but i love you just the same.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

This Battle Inside My Head

This battle inside my head rages forever. Nonstop. Day and night. Wherever I am this battle goes with me. A moment of peace is something I only dream of. Music pounding in my ears and all I hear is the voices in my head, back and forth, angry words and harsh cries. The sun setting in the distance, pink clouds and purple skies, and all I see is the battlefield I have created in my mind. People who love me surround me and all I feel is alone. No one knows this feeling. No one can know.

In this war there is no right side or wrong side. Everything is crumbling, a mess of thoughts and emotions in dissaray. In this war, there are no dead bodies lying in the mud, but there is blood on my hands, on my arms, dripping to the floor, and inside I have died. I died a long time ago. And now I walk among the living and I see their eyes, full of light and life, and I know that they too will soon die. Everyone knows that we all die eventually, but what some don't realize is that, long before our hearts stop beating, they stop glowing, and we die inside. A light goes out. Our eyes become dull. Our hearts heavy and dark. And our minds become battlefields in a war between the instinct to go on and the desire to give up.

If you are among those who still live in happiness, hold on to that light. Protect the flame with everything you have because that flame IS everything you have and once you lose it you have lost everything. Don't let any wind blow it out, any drop of rain put it out, any hand smother it. Love your light like you love your life, because this light IS your life.

If you are among those who wander aimlessly through the empty streets of the world, you are not alone, yet at the same time you are. You see, there are other like you, others who have lost everything they loved, everything they lived for. There are others who know how you feel. But, like you, they do not understand and they can think of nothing but the battle in their own heads, so they cannot help you. I wish I could help you, but I can't. I wish someone could help me, but I know that no one can save me from this pain.

This battle inside of me rages on, but I don't know if I can go on with it. I don't know if I can go on.

Friday, December 15, 2006

i need Your help

i want to be happy. i want to feel Your love shine on my heart. i want to feel Your hands lifting me high above the troubles of the world. i want to feel Your power moving me from within, directing me in my life and the things that i do day after day after day. day after meaningless day. i know the days are not meaningless but without You in my life this is what they have become. day after day i struggle to pull myself from the comforts of my bed, i force myself to get up and survive the trials that are thrown at me, and then i return to my bed. this is all i do. day after day. and i know i will continue to do this until the day i die. but what will it gain me? what will happen to me? i will die. everyone will die. why does it matter if i die now or in seventy years? why does it matter how i die? why does it matter if i take my own life or if it is taken from me? either way i will lose my life. so what does it gain me to go on? i used to feel You, feel Your presence in my life, in my actions, in my heart, You were there. but now it feels like You let go. i feel anger and sadness, i feel depression and despair. i feel nothing. where have You gone and why have You left me? why can't i see You anymore? i miss You. i call out to You but i don't hear Your answer. i want nothing more than for You to tell me what it is that i should do. what would You say to me if i could hear You? i need an answer to this life. i need a solution. because right now my solution isn't getting me anywhere. then again, neither is my life.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

writer's block..

hmmmm... i've been having trouble writing lately. too much stuff spinning around in my head i guess. at least my grounding is almost over so soon i'll be able to hang out with friends again and relax a little more (and by 'relax' i mean 'drink') i definately should never have had that party when my parents went out of town... o well, live and learn, right? too bad i never seem to learn from my mistakes..

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Curious But Afraid

(Note: I wrote this poem back in July for an online summer school course (writer's craft) so it's pretty old and it's a lot more structured and formal than stuff that i just write for myself. It's supposed to show a duality in my character. With this poem I wanted to show how I am torn between curiosity and fear. I want to learn new things and travel new roads, but I am afraid of what I will find out or where I will end up. anyways, i just happened upon it and kinda liked it so ya.. here it is...)

O World uncertain, passing by,
What will life bring before I die?
Where will lead these roads I travel?
How will my threads Fate unravel?

These doubts I raise to stars ablaze.
Wish for light through this murky haze.
But their reply I never hear
Because my ears I shield in fear.

Curiosity does lure me.
Whisp’ring temptations intently.
Inqui’ring. Questioning. Eager.
Will life be bright, or joy meager?

Apprehension does draw me back.
Knowledge I crave; courage I lack.
Suspecting. Doubting. Tentative.
Will these be years I want to live?

I long to know what time may bring.
Where will I fly on chance's wings?
But would my journey be in dread
If I foresaw what lay ahead?

Is living in shadows ever
Less fright’ning than seeing the light?
Hiding here in fear I wonder,
Does darkness ever outshine truth?

O World uncertain, passing by,
What will life bring before I die?
But I am forced to live unsure,
Curious, but fearing future.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I am...

I am a poet writing of my pain
I am a person living a life of shame
I am your daughter hiding my depression
I am your sister making a good impression
I am your friend acting like I'm fine
I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine
I am a girl who thinks of suicide
I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
I am a student who doesn't have a clue
I am the girl sitting next to you
I am the one asking you to care
I am your best friend hoping you'll be there



(Note: I didn't write this but I can't find who did)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

99?

I wonder who actually reads this blog. I've been writing here for over 8 months now, and in that time I have apparently had 99 profile views (Will you be lucky #100?). Considering how long I've had this blog, that number is relatively low. However, considering the fact that I have never actually given this address to anyone, that number surprises me. What 99 people have checked out my profile? What 99 people have read my writing? And what 99 people didn't leave a comment? I don't write for other people; I write for myself because it helps me to sort out my feelings. Even so, it would be nice to get some feedback once in a while. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who checks my blog regularly, hoping that I've updated. If I just stopped writing tomorrow would anyone wonder what happened to me? If I died tomorrow would anyone miss my writing? I think all those people out there who have blogs like mine that they keep secret from those they love probably like to think, like me, that maybe, just maybe, someone out there loves to read their stuff. And maybe someone is going through something similar and, without knowing it, their writing is helping that person get through a tough time. Maybe someone will learn something. I know I like to think all of that sometimes. But of course I have no idea, because no one has ever left a comment. If you're reading this, I'd love to know who you are and what you think about my writing. Even more, I'd love to know why you're reading this at all!

Monday, December 04, 2006

deny deny deny

it's amazing how easy it is to hide something that people don't want to see.