'Til the End, My Friend

There will be days when the clouds block the blue,
But I’ll be there dancing in the rain with you.

There will be people who say you’re not strong,
But I’ll be there telling them that they’re wrong.

There will be obstacles that are just too tall,
But I’ll be there catching you if you fall.

There will be girls who break your heart,
But I’ll be there putting together the parts.

There will be sadness when you lose ones you love,
But I’ll there drying tears as they look from above.

There will be moments when you question it all,
But I’ll be there answering your two a.m. call.

There will be trials from the start ‘til the end,
But know, through it all, I will be there, my friend.

Because, though the hardships seem to go on forever,
It’s the times in between that I know we’ll remember.

There will be days when the sun shines so bright,
And I want to be there with you ‘til it leaves for the night.

There will be people who see your strength inside,
And I want to be there agreeing with pride.

There will be challenges when you conquer your fear,
And I want to be there saying a cheer.

There will be one girl, devoted for life,
And I want to be there when you make her your wife.

There will be joy when you are called “father”,
And I want to be there to hold your son or daughter.

There will be a moment when you lose all your doubt,
And I want to be there when everything works out.

There will be joyful events from the start ‘til the end,
And I hope, through it all, you’ll let me share them, my friend.

(any suggestions would be much appreciated.. i know it's not great, and i can't afford christmas presents so this is gonna be it for my best friend, so it's gotta be good!)

A Crimson Darkness

Ever so gently the edge strokes. Testing, allowing for a moment of hesitation, a final chance to reconsider. But reconsidering is not a common event here among rash actions and impulsive decisions. So hesitations and final chances form a whirlwind of regret, and, along with hopes and expectations, dash away beyond reach, leaving a path of brokenness behind.

Again it makes contact, all tentativeness gone this time as it slides quickly, breaking through the thin surface. The first step has been taken, and there will be no return from this place of emptiness. The walls are built, and shan’t be conquered. No, weakness and failure will remain here on this side.

A new boldness now grows. Movements become slowed, taunting. There is a pensive deliberateness about it, tracing out every thought with such precise control. It goes in with purpose, and out pours doubt, fear, loneliness. Drops of uncertainty trickle into a pool of desperation. Deeper now, deeper! Longer! More! A challenge, a rush, a release.

Light glints off the blade as it falls to the ground, and a crimson darkness settles in.

What is this about?

The first strike comes silently, unexpected. Confusion arises, mayhem ensues. The sound of feet pounding the hard ground beneath, freshly littered with a layer of the already-forgotten dead. Those who, just months ago, we admired for their boldness, are now traipsed over in the frantic search for any nearby shelter. Then silence. For a moment the air is still, time frozen. I find myself standing alone, unguarded. A tingling creeps through the thick air and runs through my body, and in an instant the stillness collapses around me. Attacks fire down on me. My eyes search the skies above, but I am blind to my assaulter. A coldness climbs over my body as I take blow after blow. The shots seem to come from every angle now, even ricocheting near my feet and nipping at my shins. As I finally break out of my stunned trance and take a step in the direction of anywhere but here, I am painfully aware of the dampness enveloping my body, from my feet and head inwards towards my chest, my heart. One step. One step is all I manage. I stand, planted in place, and lift my eyes to the sky. This is defeat. Letting go of everything, I raise my hands at my sides, palms up, throw my head back, and open my mouth. “This is defeat!” But the words are lost in the chaos. Instead, laughter hits my ears. My laughter. And in that moment something magnificent happens. As I stand there facing the heavens, surrendering myself and all I have, I am free.

alright, so now i want to hear what you think this is about. leave a comment with your opinion. it doesn't matter if it seems painfully obvious or completely far-fetched, you could be right!

it's really not a secret..

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i hit the ground (Post #100!)

last night i had this dream.. i was biking with friends. there was one spot where you had to go over a jump that overlooked a huge fall (i think we were on the edge of a cliff). after going over the jump a few times i went back, biked all the way up to this cliff, and biked right off. i remember hearing one of my friend's voices screaming at me as my front tire went over the edge. as i fell through the air, ground rushing at me, i let out a scream. you might expect that it was your cliché moments-before-dying-realizing-that-i-want-to-live scream. but it wasn't. it was a scream of pure ecstasy. and for the first time ever in one of my dreams, i actually hit the ground.

i think i finally figured out why i've been sleeping in by 3 or 4 hours every day lately.. i love the happy escape of my dreams too much to leave them.

Jump. Fall. Crash.

Jump. Fall. Crash. Heart shatters. Rain pours down. Green grass beneath bare feet. Crunch. Computers are taking over. Staring at screens. Eyes hurting. So tired. Always tired. Maybe I’d be happier with sleep. I wonder if I smile in my sleep. He doesn’t love me. His mom does. Maybe someday he will. I love his family. I love them more than my family. I’m a bad person. Pills. Hungry. Tired. Cold. Ice on my window. I should turn the heat on. When did I become this person? I hold onto pictures with all I have. Pictures look happy. I only ever smile when there’s a camera in my face. Fuck. Fuck you. fuck you for not loving me. Fuck you for loving me so much. I need a drink. I need a sharp object. A box full of sharp objects. I feel used. No I don’t, that’s a lie. No one uses me. Everyone loves me and appreciates me. Why am I so desperate to be miserable? Pounding. Head. Ache. Aching. Heartache. Heartbreak. Hearts suck. Love is a lie. I love you. oops I lied. We all lie. Deal with it. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Cold air. Breathe in, breathe out. For luck. So deep. I want to share your air again. I want to feel your fingers. I miss you. pining. Loving. Missing. Searching. Come back. Please? No? why not? What’s so great about post-it notes anyway? Jump. Fall. Crash. Goodnight.