My Song

(Note: I have been trying a new kind of writing for me where i just say what comes to my head. Throughout all our lives we are taught to keep these thoughts inside. We are always told to "think before we speak". In school they teach us to make plans for all our reports. Nothing that we say is really how we truly feel, meerly an edited version of what we think we are supposed to think. So I am trying to write exactly how i feel by writing exactly what comes to mind. It doesn't always make sense and when i start writing something I don't always even know what I'm going to end up writing. Anyways, this is the first thing that I felt like I truly accomplished that.)

Sometimes, so full of emotions am I, my heart screams for some release. It swells almost to the point of bursting. I think that everyone can hear it pound, like a drum, beating out my feeling. But no one hears. No one knows what I feel because only I can feel the rhythme of my heartbeat against my chest. I try to live to this rhythme, in harmony with he drums of my soul, but sometimes I miss a beat. The error seems so obvious, the entire song of my life thrown off. I fear humiliation from failure, for I cannot play the song. I am not worthy of this song. And yet the criticism does not come. The sound of laughter does not reach my ears. Instead I hear the drums back in rhythme, the song goes on. No one has taken notice of my mistake. No one hears the off-beat rhythme. No one realizes that I missed a beat. An I remember that no one hears my song. And I cry two tears. The first is a tear of happiness that I have escaped humiliation. the second a tear of sadness that my song will go unheard to the ears of the world. No one mourns the loss of my missed beat. But I will mourn.

lost in my own head

i don't know what to say. i am feeling so many emotions right now, i can't even express them. i don't even understand what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling this way. i'm so confused. this sucks! i have everything! everything! i have 2 good jobs, amazing marks in school, tons of friends, great parents, everything i could possible want! but something is missing. i keep on wondering why i do all this. why do i work 2 part-time jobs? why do i work my ass of in school? why do i work myself so hard that i'm constantly sick from sleepless nights? just so i can have some "great" job when i'm older and make a lot of money? cause that really doesn't seem like a great answer right now, and i really don't know what i'm doing. i don't know why i'm here. i'm so lost in my head, but no one seems to notice. everyone just sees this bullshit face i put on. but lately i've been having trouble keeping it all up. people are starting to notice, and i can't decide if i want to just pull down that mask and let everyone see, or turn and run, leaving not even a glass slipper behind. i don't know anymore. i'm so confused.

Hey!

If you're reading this, welcome to my blog. I haven't actually given out the address to any of my friends or family, and I don't intend on doing that, so the chances that I actually know you are pretty slim so I'll just take this moment to say "Hi! Nice to meet you!". You might be interested in knowing why I started this blog, so I'll just go ahead and tell you right now. I, like everyone, often have a lot of things I need to say, but I don't always know who to turn to. How are we supposed to express feelings when these feelings could negatively impact a relationship with a close friend? The only solution I could find: you just don't. That's it. But after time these emotions start to pile up and they become the only thing you can think about. So this is my solution. I will pour some of my most personal thoughts out onto this website (although I also recently started writing in a journal and there are some things that I've written in my journal that I haven't gotten the courage to post yet). Anyone can read what I right, but no one will know who I am. I can say whatever I want and hopefully get some feedback from other people, but I will never have to worry about hurting one of my friends, or about one of my friends rejecting me for how I feel. So go ahead, read my writing, comment if you want, and my only hope that maybe someday something that I right when I'm going through a hard time will help someone else out there going through something similar.

Fear the future.

Life is so confusing. The second you think you have everything worked out, something else comes along, completely knocking you off your feet. Decision after decision after decision. They're not all bad. Like choosing your clothes in the morning or what to eat for dinner. But then there are the ones that you just wish someone else would make for you. Like your courses in school or deciding whether or not to take on a second part-time job. The big ones. The ones that could affect your future. Yes I said it: future. That horrible 6-letter word that haunts us all. I think there was a time in my life when i looked forward to the future; now my stomach flops at the mere mention of it. But our lives are all about the future. None of us would really live if we weren't living for something. We are always expecting something in the future, something more, something greater, something. But what is it? And what if it never comes? Will it find us? Or should we be looking for it? How will we know when we've finally found it? There are so many questions, and no one has the answers to any of them. Life is too complicated. Life is so confusing.