questioning the world

forever butterflies

2011-04-04T23:05:00.003-04:00

All this time I thought I didn't want to settle down. I realize now that I just didn't want to settle. I was saving my heart for you.

Change

2010-09-07T23:26:00.002-04:00

I guess this blog isn't really who I am anymore. I changed. The really great thing about change is anyone can do it.

If you could change one thing about yourself (and I really mean one thing about you as a person, not the body you walk around in or the people who surround you) what would it be? Ok, now change it.

Anybody out there listening still?

The Music of Life

2010-01-04T21:57:00.002-05:00

Listen to the songs. How many are about education, careers, money? Very few. But how many are about love? It's the substance of life. The purpose, the goal, the final destination. But, like heaven, I doubt its very existence. If I could feel it for just an instant, I would believe for life. But for now I know nothing but loneliness.

That Girl

2009-09-17T18:49:00.002-04:00

I'm not the kind of girl that men buy flowers for.

Men like to hang out with me, and they like to sleep with me. I'm a rebound, a one night stand, a fling.

Men don't bring me home to meet their parents, they don't make me breakfast in bed, and they don't buy me flowers. I'm not the kind of girl that men care about.

I'm not that girl.

To be alone

2009-03-29T20:45:00.003-04:00

Sitting here in a silent room, I have to wonder: What does it mean to be alone? If there are four walls around me and no other person, am I alone? If there is no one to kiss me goodnight and wish me "Sweet dreams", am I alone? If I lost that person, the one I could always turn to, always talk to, no matter the problem or the time of night, am I alone? If there is not one single person out there in this vast world thinking of me at this moment, then, oh then I must be alone. But then again, if we're alone aren't we in this together? Does not each of us look up at the same moon each night, murky behind a sea of cloud but ever steady? Do we not all marvel at the same burning stars as the same thoughts burn in our minds? If we breathe the same air and drink the same water, do we let go the same sighs and cry the same tears? Do we all feel the same pain? Sitting here in the dark, I feel less alone, but I must admit, I don't feel much better. For how can I take joy in the sadness of others?

Loneliness

2009-03-08T11:36:00.001-04:00

As I drift away to a place of oblivion, pictures of you flash behind my closed eyes. A glimpse of your teasing smile, a flicker of your gentle hands. Every night I gasp for a breath of you as I drown in my loneliness. I fill my lungs with thoughts of the laughter we shared, the happiness we felt. But reality hits like a wave crushing a sandcastle on the beach, dragging my moment of peacefulness away to sea, and I float into darkness. I dream of you walking back into my life, looking at me the way you used to. You whisper in my ear and send tingles through my spine as your fingertips brush my cheek and run through my hair. But the tide rises and the ocean spits me back onto the rough shores. My eyes blink in the unforgiving sunlight and you’re gone. Every morning you’re ripped away from me.

Home

2009-03-06T12:13:00.001-05:00

Life starts out so simple. At a young age we start to learn words: mommy, daddy, yes, no, home. Home? At the time, it’s very simple. Home is where Mom and Dad are. Home is the house where all our toys are. Home is the twin bed with Disney sheets we climb into every evening. At a certain point we become aware of feelings that we associate with home, though we can’t quite understand them. Home is safety, consistency, comfort. Home is the most important place in the whole world.

But years pass at unimaginable speeds and the day comes that each of us moves away from home. We don’t just leave behind a building. We don’t just leave behind our parents, possessions and childhood bedroom; we leave behind security, we leave behind confidence. We have no more refuge. We may have a dorm room or even a trendy apartment, but we are homeless. We experience the feelings of “home” in other ways. We are home when we’re surrounded by old friends, laughing so hard it hurts. We are home when we’re in the arms of the person we love most in this world. But what happens when these friends leave? What happens when the one you love betrays you (as they always will)? What happens when you find yourself sitting in an empty room staring at a fuzzy television screen? What happens when you crawl into a cold bed at the end of a trying day and have no one to kiss away your tears? The idea of “home” is so fleeting. We feel it for an instant and then it’s lost, leaving us more alone than ever. Home is still the most important place in the world, but we’ll spend the rest of our lives searching for it.

We should all be responsible for our own happiness. We rely too much on external things, and then the world disappoints and people are sad.

Give it time..

2009-02-24T22:46:00.001-05:00

Blue hearts, bruised. Broken and battered and left for dead. Where are we going? Frozen in time as the world spins around us. I cling to you but you throw me down. What makes butterflies so much better than all the other bugs? It's not fair, this preferential treatment based on looks. Spiders can be pretty darn cute.

The truth about time is it doesn't heal all wounds.

you found me

2009-02-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won
All alone
Smoking his ~~last cigarette~~
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
It never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end
Everyone ends up alone
Losing her
The only one who's ever known
Who I am
Who I'm not, who I wanna be
No way to know
How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me

Fear and Love

2009-01-18T23:56:00.001-05:00

It starts at a very young age. One day the curiosity will overcome you and you will reach your hand toward the hot burner on the stove. Immediately you will realize the mistake of the decision and pull your hand back in pain. That pain will stay with you, instilling in your heart a fear of that red hot burner from that day on. Some years later you will again challenge your limits and disobey your parents in some way. The resulting spanking and harsh lecture will bring with it not only physical pain but the emotional pain of knowing that you have disappointed the ones that love you most. This pain directs you to follow the rules laid out for you, wherever they may lead. Fastforward a little and you find yourself falling in love for the first time. It feels simple, beautiful, perfect. It feels like this is where you belonged your entire life and where you will remain for the remainder of your life, whole in your wonderful happiness. And then it happens that you learn your greatest lesson of all. The love is lost and your heart is shattered. Your body aches in a way not even comparable to that hot stove as a toddler. Your soul cries out in agony far worse than the pain of a saddened parent. You are destroyed. From that point on you vow you will do anything to avoid that pain again. Your heart is closed to love.

Years after the time you first recoiled your burned hand from that hot stove you will learn another lesson: though the heat may hurt you, if you learn how to use it safely it can also help you. This source of such frightening childhood memory now allows you to cook and feed yourself and others. Again, the day will come that a rule is made for you but on this day you realize the fault of the rule. You understand that, while these rules are made with the best of intentions, it is possible that your parents and other authority figures are wrong at times. However, remembering the pain from your earlier years, instead of outrightly disobeying them, you challenge them. You negotiate and reach a mutual agreement. Both parties are content and the pain of disappointment is not felt.

So it must be for love. There may be times with someone you love when it feels like they have burned you more harshly than a hot stove, but if you choose to learn from these experiences you can grow strong in them. The one you love may have certain expectations for you that you feel are impossible for you to reach. You may feel great emotional pain because of this and for many other reasons, but if you choose to communicate and compromise pain can be avoided on both sides. And while the sting of a love once lost may haunt your memory for years to come, you should not forget the joy you felt from sharing your life with another.

Do not think of the pain in your life as punishment for wrongdoings. Do not fear it. Instead, accept the pain you feel, learn from it, and live your life to its fullest everyday.

I hate sleeping alone

2009-01-09T23:50:00.003-05:00

I surround myself with men as much as I possibly can, and at the end of the day...

...I'm still sad and lonely.

A Harsh Affection

2009-01-07T23:20:00.001-05:00

My cat yawns loudly and stretches out next to me. Wrinkling his little pink nose he blinks twice with severity. Even though this small animal knows nothing of the world around him, never having ventured beyond the hallway outside our door, he carries himself in a grand manner indicating otherwise. With a subtle tilt of his head and a nod he tells me what I should not need to be told; it had to end. From the very start, from the moment I realized that there was something there at all worth considering something, I knew it had to end. This kind of situation never works out for me. You see, this isn't the first time I've been through this. In fact, this isn't even my second occasion. It's more of an ongoing event in my life, one that my cat has faithfully (and almost mockingly, these days) born witness to all along. My greatest fear is quickly becoming that my constant companion will finally have enough and, when my life has once again completed this cycle and I am more in need of a friend than ever, he too will abandon me. For now he judges me most lovingly.

Someday you will be loved

2009-01-03T14:02:00.007-05:00

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

This always sounded like such a beautiful song, a breathtakingly romantic idea. I never knew how much it would hurt.

end the misery

2008-10-19T19:01:00.004-04:00

it's been almost a year since anyone commented. i don't think anyone reads this. not that that was ever the point i guess. but then i have to wonder, what is the point? maybe it's time to put this blog to rest..

Welcome Back, Depression

2008-09-26T23:33:00.003-04:00

I swore last time that it wasn't stress from school. It wasn't stress over money. It wasn't heartbreak. It wasn't because I had done something I couldn't bare to face. It wasn't because I had no friends. It wasn't because I had suffered some trauma. It wasn't because my family was far away and I felt like I had no home anymore. It wasn't because of music, movies or books. It wasn't any one of those things. I swore to it. And I still believe it's true. The thing is, I never did figure out what it was. Now it's coming back. And I kicked him out of my life so this time I'm more alone than ever...

These Eyes

2008-09-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

The salty water holds its place behind red eyes. Glazed over eyes. Empty eyes. These eyes, once so full of bright blue life, of love, now stare unbreakingly at nothing in particular. Signals rush through nerves at unimaginable speeds directing the eyes to move, to blink, to sleep. But the heart has lost all control. There are no emotions behind these eyes. No brightness and excitement. No hope and longing. No happiness. Not even sadness. There is no meaning anymore. Why take in the sights of this world if none of them is you? Without you there is no beauty that could possibly dazzle these eyes again.

Whatever Ever After

2008-08-21T15:17:00.001-04:00

Memories litter my floor. Broken smiles hidden under a thick layer of dust. Happiness trying to be forgotten because tears of joy are now accompanied by a flood of pain and loneliness. Old birthday cards celebrating special days. Wrinkled pictures commemorating our achievements, a love long ago lost concealed in their creases. Funny faces in photobooths that used to set our hearts giggling. Cigar buts reminding of reckless mistakes of youth. Seashells like angel wings, because you said I was yours. A pinecone as a corny gift, but probably the most sincere gift ever given. In the middle of it all, a poem; haunting lines of shattered promises. “Always” and “forever” sprinkled throughout the mess along with “I love you” torment endlessly. Was there ever truth in these eyes? Will anything but hate ever pierce through them again? Will my dreams ever bring rest? But despite everything, this is how it had to end. There was never any hope of a happy ever after in our futures. And so, as these memories age and yellow in a box in the back of a dank closet, I too will age, my heart will grow, my eyes will glow, and a smile will touch my lips. I wish the same and more for you, but I hope I never see you again.

A Part of My Past

2008-08-11T14:50:00.002-04:00

I wrote this one when I was 12 years old:

In Fate's Hands
It was a dark, dark night with only the light of the moon guiding me down the bumpy dirt road. The trees to my left were ghostly figures, dancing in the wind, and to my right was a cliff of never-ending darkness. I walked rather hastily along the winding path, fearful of what lurked ahead. The wind whistled in my ears and for a moment the moonlight was blocked by hundreds of black bats, swarming the midnight sky and calling for any forlorn insect who might wander their way. Off in the distance I heard the cry of a lone, blood-thirsty wolf and I shivered, thinking of the dreadful ending of my life forever if I were to meet the creature. Up ahead I could see my destination, the old inn. I sped up a bit, longing for the warmth and comfort of a bed. As I approached the rotting building and stepped up to the creaky stairs, I saw a sign in the window reading, “Sorry, out of business”. My blood bubbled and a shiver went down my spine as I read those words. My life was now in the hands of fate, and the odds were against me…

and this one when I was 13 years old:

And All Is Lost

I take it out
From time to time
To dust it off
Just to remind
Me of the thing
That were to be
I only you
Had stayed with me.
If only we
Were still a pair.
Fun forever
Without a care.
If only we
Were still good friends,
Together we
Were til the end.
If only you
Were never lost
I would not need
To pay this cost.
But now we drift
And so I must
Just take it out,
Blow off the dust.
This is all that
Remains to show.
What could have been,
We’ll never know.

sXe

2008-07-28T13:09:00.002-04:00

Starting today I promise myself to live the straight edge lifestyle for one month.

I promise myself I will refrain from alcohol use.
I promise myself I will refrain from drug use (including tobacco).
I promise myself I will refrain from casual sex.

I promise to respect myself by respecting my body.
I promise to remain in control of my life by remaining in control of urges and temptations.

I promise myself I will love myself for who I am.

All of this I promise to myself, not to anyone else.

Feels like eighteen

2008-07-25T10:11:00.002-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Nineteen today. Doesn't feel so different.

Last year I waited all day for a phonecall from you, but it never came. You forgot my birthday. This year I know it won 't come again, because right about now you're wishing I had never been born.

Someone's Sister

2008-07-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

You lost respect for me. Maybe it was my own fault for losing all my self respect. After all, how could you respect someone who doesn’t respect herself? I guess I thought that respect was like love. You always loved me long before I learned to love myself. In fact, you taught me how to love myself again and how to love others when my heart had failed. So why couldn’t you respect me? Why couldn’t you teach me to respect myself and to demand the respect I deserved from all men? Instead you laughed at me, and every shred of dignity I was clinging to fell from my grasp. I’m someone’s sister too. I’m someone’s daughter too. Someday I’ll be someone’s wife. And someday down the road I’ll even be someone’s mother. But all you see is someone’s bitch. And I won’t blame you for my fall to this place, but know that I certainly won’t thank you when I climb out of it.

Save Me

2008-06-02T14:48:00.003-04:00

My heart is crying out to You. Aching to be held, to be safe and loved. Yearning to feel that warmth filling my body and comforting my soul. It screams, desperate and afraid. But I fear that You can’t hear it. Its pleas are lost, hidden by the sounds of my life. The sounds of parties, clanking bottles, drunken rants. The sounds of cravings for drugs, ignored warnings. The sounds of lust, heavy breathing, tired 4am sighs. The sounds of ignorance, of hypocrisy, of disobedience. The sounds of failure. These sounds echo in my ears, drowning out the steady call of my heart beating for You. So with my final fading breath I pray that You would block out the noise of my mess and hear me, loud and clear. Save me.

Lost and Found

2008-05-29T16:28:00.002-04:00

I lost it.

Maybe some boy had it and was holding it hostage. Maybe it fell with my shattered heart and I missed it when I was picking up the pieces. Maybe I gave it away.

Maybe I learned better. Maybe I tossed it aside, shoved it in a book in a library, or under a chair in a classroom. Maybe I was taught to let go of it, to give up.

Maybe I threw it away myself. Maybe I blinded myself to how much I needed it. Maybe I convinced myself that I was better off without it. Maybe I wanted to lose it. Or maybe I was just careless.

Wherever it was, however I lost it, it was gone.

But you weren’t gone.

You picked up my puzzle of a heart and glued it back together, piece by piece. You taught me to think for myself, to be myself. You opened my eyes to the beauty of the world. You showed me that I needed it and, more importantly, wanted it.

I’ll never know where or how you found it, but you did. For that I am forever grateful.

Thank you for bringing back my smile.

The Tragedy of Unchanging Change

2008-05-22T15:34:00.010-04:00

Open the blinds to another day. Some things never change. The curtains close at nightfall, giving us a false sense of security. And again they rise in the morning in the hopes of shining light on our chaotic lives. Wake, sleep, wake, restless sleep. It never changes. Walking numbly from day to day. Blast music in our ears to block out the painful screams of the world. Bass pounds through the floor in time with our pounding headaches. It’s always the same. The same notes, the same catchy lines. The same complaints and heartaches. Our lives, our world, are forever on repeat.

But then, in an unchanging way, everything changes. Our hearts close and love is lost. Our expectations for ourselves crumble and lust wins us over. Those who surround us turn down different roads and friendships are forever forgotten. Plans are abandoned, efforts are forfeited, goals slip by. Dreams? Never. Hope? A faint memory.

Nothing ever changes and, throughout it all, everything changes. What is the greater tragedy?

Just One Of Those Girls

2008-05-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

Heavy breathing. Breathe in the warm night air, breathe out your soul. Separate your heart from your body. Self respect drips off with droplets of sweat. Lost along with self control. Spinning out, turned around, turning over and over, over each other. Under, over, next to me. Close to me, inside of me. Mind closes. Heart shatters. Body aches. Who am I?

Baby, Don't Hurt Me

2008-05-08T16:24:00.001-04:00

Is it something you feel? Something you know the first time you look into their eyes? Is it destined, determined? Or is it something that you build up? Something you plan in your mind and put into action? Something you choose? Is it fact? Or is it fiction? Is it something we create to comfort ourselves? Something we design to convince ourselves that there is purpose, that we’re not alone? Does it save us or destroy us? Does it build us up or tear us down? Is it the most wonderful thing to ever grace us? Or will it be our demise? Or, somehow, could it be all of this and more? What is love?

A Child's Laughter

2008-04-24T10:40:00.000-04:00

A child’s laughter. Innocence and beauty echo through the air. Happiness. Children know true happiness. They show an appreciation for life that we can’t understand. Each day is a new adventure, new journeys, new experiences. It is fresh. It is free. But each day brings a child closer to the day when he will no longer see the wonder of a new day. One day that child will wake up and wish he hadn’t. His mind will travel to yesterdays, to regrets. His heart will ache for moments lost, hours wasted. And as he questions his mistakes and doubts his decisions, more moments will be lost and more hours wasted. There will come a day when that child forgets to live and love each day for what it is. When that child turns his eyes away from the pure beauty of the world and stares at blank screens. When that child fails to realize the greatness he is capable of and settles for less than he deserves. When that child does not hear the sound of his own beating heart and marches instead to others’ time. There will come a day when that child will grow up. But for today, at least, he is happy.

Open Your Eyes

2008-04-22T14:38:00.001-04:00

Take my hand and watch the world go by. But we were blind. Blank stares. The blink of an eye and life passes by. These eyes are only good for making tears. Cry a while. In my heart. On my face. Sadness that I can’t erase. Can you see it? I see nothing. We see nothing. We’re too busy to open our eyes so we run blindly through the streets. Fuck this. Fuck you. I want to see. I want to feel. I want to live. Dry your tears, child, the sun is up, the clouds have passed. The day is here to conquer fear, to lift your head, to take a step. Every day you live brings you closer to the day you die. Are you living for something worth dying for?

Can You See It?

2008-04-22T14:20:00.003-04:00

A gentle breeze flows over the ground, causing the leaves to jump about in a dance. The wind is not cold, though not warm. There is a softness to it. It doesn’t attack like the winter wind does. Instead it moves more slowly, through crevices, around obstacles, caressing those who take a moment to enjoy the feeling of its touch. The brightness of the cloudless blue skies above can be challenged only by the dazzling vision of greens, pinks and yellows in fields and gardens below. This is a time of rest. A time of recuperation. A time of rejoicing. Life appears in the most unexpected of places. A flower blooms from under a rock. A baby bird peeks out from a crack in the wall of an abandoned building. The sounds of laughter, play, happiness can be heard floating in the air. Beauty is everywhere. In the bark of a tree, in the weathered wood of a backyard deck, in the petals of a blossoming flower, in the texture of a rock, in the rays of sun shimmering in a puddle, and in the eyes of those who see it all.

I see the beauty in you. Can you see it?

First Star I See Tonight...

2008-04-22T14:20:00.001-04:00

A star falls through the sky and crashes next to me.

It was once so beautiful, brilliant. It lit up the sky, showing me and countless others the way through dark times. It was bold and breathtaking. It was soft, with a steady glow. Unwavering, sure of it’s place in the universe. It was reliable, always there when the nights seemed endless. It was determined, shining brightly even on the cloudiest of evenings. It had the most miraculous ability to bring a smile to my face so effortlessly. It was soothing, reassuring, promising. It was safe.

But tonight it fell. And as it lies smoldering at my feet I can’t help but wonder what horrible force could have destroyed something so magnificent. The thought is enough to place fear deep in my heart as I walk blindly on in this darkest hour.

Beauty Most Innocent

2008-04-22T14:19:00.001-04:00

The silence is soothing, gentle like the blanket of white that lies over the earth. The streets are empty, serene tranquility. People move slowly, making paths as they go that will soon be lost, hidden under a fresh layer of softness. Words are spoken in hushed whispers, just audible above the muted sound of the snow being packed down by the weight overlying. Despite the wind that whirls the flakes into a dance as they descend from the clouds above, there is a certain warmth hanging heavily in the air. The snow insulates the world with a forgiving tenderness, cushioning, comforting, protecting. The brightness is like a light in this season of darkness, purity covering filth, hope amid despair. It is beauty at its most innocent.

"Himerus and Eros" --The Spill Canvas

2008-04-06T17:10:00.005-04:00

You're captivating while evading
All the questions I have for you like,
"What exactly makes you tick?"
When the guilt sets in tell me
What are we going to do?

Your tongue is wet with a top secret passion
I hope I am the cause of it
I'll navigate this unsturdy vessel
Filled with a soft sea of pillows and blankets

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I've sunken in the quicksands of love
And I don't want you to rescue me
Screw what my supposed friends think
It's obvious they reek of jealousy
It's obvious they reek of jealousy

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I hope to God I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

Hold My Hand

2008-02-28T19:49:00.006-05:00

I'm not looking for a Romeo,
I won't be your Juliet.
I'm not looking for Prince Charming,
So all those lines you can forget.
I'm not looking for a Superman
To sweep me off my feet.
I'm just hoping you'll hold my hand
And whisper something sweet.

Romeo was pathetic,
Him and Juliet died.
Prince Charming was a fake,
And Happy Ever After is a lie.
Superman will save the day,
But he never stays for long.
I'm just hoping you'll hold my hand
And we can dance to our favourite song.

This is the start of something new,
It feels so light and free.
Who knows if tomorrow
Will hold love for you and me?
Why bother making plans?
This may only last a while.
I'm just hoping you'll hold my hand
And let us share some smiles.

Green Light, Red Light

2008-01-26T19:24:00.000-05:00

Green. Go. Red. Stop. Stop? How can I stop? Stop caring. Indifferent blank stares. Numb. No more heartbreak. No more heart. Just a hollow figure. Keep breathing. Living. Wake, live, sleep, repeat. It's all repetition. It's all repetition. Broken record lives. "How are you?" "Fine, thanks." Broken record lies. Someone should really reassess the definition of 'fine'. If you're fine, you're really everything you don't want to say you are. I fell. Just leave me here. I'm sorry if I hurt you. Am I happy? Of course not; I'm fine. Fine isn't happy. Happy isn't happy. Happy is throwing a fake smile on that blank stare. You fool them all. People only want one thing. Now if only we knew what that one thing was. Kick my legs out from underneath me. Maybe I deserve it. Maybe we all deserve to fall in the mud at least once. Drive safe. Red means stop. Stop caring, and just go.

'Til the End, My Friend

2007-12-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

There will be days when the clouds block the blue,
But I’ll be there dancing in the rain with you.

There will be people who say you’re not strong,
But I’ll be there telling them that they’re wrong.

There will be obstacles that are just too tall,
But I’ll be there catching you if you fall.

There will be girls who break your heart,
But I’ll be there putting together the parts.

There will be sadness when you lose ones you love,
But I’ll there drying tears as they look from above.

There will be moments when you question it all,
But I’ll be there answering your two a.m. call.

There will be trials from the start ‘til the end,
But know, through it all, I will be there, my friend.

Because, though the hardships seem to go on forever,
It’s the times in between that I know we’ll remember.

There will be days when the sun shines so bright,
And I want to be there with you ‘til it leaves for the night.

There will be people who see your strength inside,
And I want to be there agreeing with pride.

There will be challenges when you conquer your fear,
And I want to be there saying a cheer.

There will be one girl, devoted for life,
And I want to be there when you make her your wife.

There will be joy when you are called “father”,
And I want to be there to hold your son or daughter.

There will be a moment when you lose all your doubt,
And I want to be there when everything works out.

There will be joyful events from the start ‘til the end,
And I hope, through it all, you’ll let me share them, my friend.

(any suggestions would be much appreciated.. i know it's not great, and i can't afford christmas presents so this is gonna be it for my best friend, so it's gotta be good!)

A Crimson Darkness

2007-12-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

Ever so gently the edge strokes. Testing, allowing for a moment of hesitation, a final chance to reconsider. But reconsidering is not a common event here among rash actions and impulsive decisions. So hesitations and final chances form a whirlwind of regret, and, along with hopes and expectations, dash away beyond reach, leaving a path of brokenness behind.

Again it makes contact, all tentativeness gone this time as it slides quickly, breaking through the thin surface. The first step has been taken, and there will be no return from this place of emptiness. The walls are built, and shan’t be conquered. No, weakness and failure will remain here on this side.

A new boldness now grows. Movements become slowed, taunting. There is a pensive deliberateness about it, tracing out every thought with such precise control. It goes in with purpose, and out pours doubt, fear, loneliness. Drops of uncertainty trickle into a pool of desperation. Deeper now, deeper! Longer! More! A challenge, a rush, a release.

Light glints off the blade as it falls to the ground, and a crimson darkness settles in.

What is this about?

2007-12-09T11:24:00.000-05:00

The first strike comes silently, unexpected. Confusion arises, mayhem ensues. The sound of feet pounding the hard ground beneath, freshly littered with a layer of the already-forgotten dead. Those who, just months ago, we admired for their boldness, are now traipsed over in the frantic search for any nearby shelter. Then silence. For a moment the air is still, time frozen. I find myself standing alone, unguarded. A tingling creeps through the thick air and runs through my body, and in an instant the stillness collapses around me. Attacks fire down on me. My eyes search the skies above, but I am blind to my assaulter. A coldness climbs over my body as I take blow after blow. The shots seem to come from every angle now, even ricocheting near my feet and nipping at my shins. As I finally break out of my stunned trance and take a step in the direction of anywhere but here, I am painfully aware of the dampness enveloping my body, from my feet and head inwards towards my chest, my heart. One step. One step is all I manage. I stand, planted in place, and lift my eyes to the sky. This is defeat. Letting go of everything, I raise my hands at my sides, palms up, throw my head back, and open my mouth. “This is defeat!” But the words are lost in the chaos. Instead, laughter hits my ears. My laughter. And in that moment something magnificent happens. As I stand there facing the heavens, surrendering myself and all I have, I am free.

alright, so now i want to hear what you think this is about. leave a comment with your opinion. it doesn't matter if it seems painfully obvious or completely far-fetched, you could be right!

it's really not a secret..

2007-12-07T15:58:00.001-05:00

../.-.. --- ...- ./-.-- --- ..-/.- .-.. .-- .- -.-- .../.- -. -../..-. --- .-. . ...- . .-.

i hit the ground (Post #100!)

2007-12-04T11:27:00.000-05:00

last night i had this dream.. i was biking with friends. there was one spot where you had to go over a jump that overlooked a huge fall (i think we were on the edge of a cliff). after going over the jump a few times i went back, biked all the way up to this cliff, and biked right off. i remember hearing one of my friend's voices screaming at me as my front tire went over the edge. as i fell through the air, ground rushing at me, i let out a scream. you might expect that it was your cliché moments-before-dying-realizing-that-i-want-to-live scream. but it wasn't. it was a scream of pure ecstasy. and for the first time ever in one of my dreams, i actually hit the ground.

i think i finally figured out why i've been sleeping in by 3 or 4 hours every day lately.. i love the happy escape of my dreams too much to leave them.

Jump. Fall. Crash.

2007-12-02T21:43:00.001-05:00

Jump. Fall. Crash. Heart shatters. Rain pours down. Green grass beneath bare feet. Crunch. Computers are taking over. Staring at screens. Eyes hurting. So tired. Always tired. Maybe I’d be happier with sleep. I wonder if I smile in my sleep. He doesn’t love me. His mom does. Maybe someday he will. I love his family. I love them more than my family. I’m a bad person. Pills. Hungry. Tired. Cold. Ice on my window. I should turn the heat on. When did I become this person? I hold onto pictures with all I have. Pictures look happy. I only ever smile when there’s a camera in my face. Fuck. Fuck you. fuck you for not loving me. Fuck you for loving me so much. I need a drink. I need a sharp object. A box full of sharp objects. I feel used. No I don’t, that’s a lie. No one uses me. Everyone loves me and appreciates me. Why am I so desperate to be miserable? Pounding. Head. Ache. Aching. Heartache. Heartbreak. Hearts suck. Love is a lie. I love you. oops I lied. We all lie. Deal with it. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Cold air. Breathe in, breathe out. For luck. So deep. I want to share your air again. I want to feel your fingers. I miss you. pining. Loving. Missing. Searching. Come back. Please? No? why not? What’s so great about post-it notes anyway? Jump. Fall. Crash. Goodnight.

All Alone

2007-11-20T04:08:00.000-05:00

i've trapped myself into a corner with nowhere to turn, no way to reach for a hand. no light shines here. so i sit, staring into darkness, waiting hopelessly for someone to break down these walls..

Wrapped Up In You

2007-11-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

The way your hand feels in mine is enough to stop the world around me from spinning out of control and exploding into dust. It feels so right. Like God designed my hand so perfectly, so my fingers fit just right between yours, my fingertips resting in the grooves between your knuckles, gently brushing your soft skin. When you take my hand in yours my fingers ache to explore every bump, every crevice, every inch of your hand. I ache to explore every inch of you. Your powerful arms that pull me close. Your strong back, lifting me when I am weak. Your chest, up and down, heart beating softly with the steadiness of a clock, safe, as I lay there drifting into sweet dreams. Your eyes, glistening as they look me over. Your lips, tenderly curved into a smile. I never want to leave you. We fit together so perfectly, you feel like a blanket laying over me, keeping me warm. You are my comforter. Pull me close so every bit of me is wrapped in you. Never let me go. I love you.

I Love You.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

There's no other way to say it. I love you.

Taking My Life (Back?)

2007-11-12T13:20:00.001-05:00

I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be gone. I'm supposed to be over. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be bothering people anymore. They're supposed to be moving on with their lives. Their lives without me. My room should be sitting empty, quiet. My belongings should be divided, packed away. There should be a grave. A stone bearing my name and two dates just over eighteen years apart. The earth should be soft. The flowers should be wilting. The rain should be falling. There should be rain. But there should be no me. I shouldn't be here. I'm not supposed to be here. There should be no tears, but that's all I bring. I need to leave, and take these tears with me. I'm taking my life back. I'm not supposed to be here. Why can't you understand? You stole my life, but I'm taking it back. I'm taking my life. I'm not supposed to be here.

Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you.

2007-11-11T13:51:00.000-05:00

I attempted suicide last week. Took a lot of pills and alcohol. But before falling asleep I sent a text message to my best friend. My real-life superman. So now I'm still alive. How do you thank someone for saving your life? How do you apologize for almost ruining theirs?
I can't even explain how I feel about him right now. When I'm not with him all I think about is being with him. When I am with him I never want to let go of him. I want to be in his life forever. I never want to lose him. I want to call him family, call his family my own. I love him so much. And I feel terrible because I keep seeing the look on his face when I walked into my apartment where he stayed the entire time I was in the hospital. I always told him that he didn't show enough emotion, but the look on his face when I stepped in the door and he pulled me into the tightest hug I've ever felt was enough emotion to last me a lifetime. A lifetime that I now know will be very long.

Girls and Boys Can Never Be Just Friends

2007-10-16T18:26:00.000-04:00

I am in love with my best friend. He has two best friends. His other best friend is also a girl and is one of my best friends. She is also in love with him. He is in love with her sister. Him and his other best friend have been making out randomly all summer, without me knowing it. He kissed his other best friend the same day that he kissed her sister. He held and made out with his other best friend in MY bed hours before doing almost the exact same thing with me. His other best friend kissed his best guy friend. His best guy friend knew that they had kissed, but kissed her anyway. Everyone is heartbroken. All our friendships are falling apart. I love all of them so much..

These things that I love

2007-08-31T22:41:00.000-04:00

You might think that I hurt myself because I hate life. The truth is, I don't. In fact, I love life. I love standing in the rain. I love falling asleep to the sound of thunder. I love watching the sun rise and set. I love staring at the stars for hours on end. I love going for long walks on cool fall days. I love the sound of children laughing. I love babies, and all their little clothes. I love genuine smiles. I love team cheers. I love holding hands. I love freshly baked cookies. I love music. I love so many things about this life. The problem is, as much as I wish that these were the important things in life, they aren't. Life is about careers, money, success. And you may say that you can choose what to make your own life about, but where would I be if all i had were these things that I love?

My ocean

2007-07-08T17:31:00.000-04:00

He's my ocean. I jumped, threw myself off the edge and fell through the clouds. I saw my cold hard fate rushing towards me, closing in on me. This was my end. But then he was there, catching me. Softly he envelopped me, holding me close. Like the ocean at the bottom of a cliff, he stopped me before I hit the bottom. He saved me. But now he is killing me. He did all he could to keep me up, but I'm drowning in him. I'm sinking down into his eyes and I'm gasping for breath, but I'm in too deep now. My ocean, he saved my life, but then he took it.

I know I need to give you up, but I can't bear the thought of not having you here.

A Glimpse in the Fog

2007-06-17T11:45:00.001-04:00

She is never going to know the answers. She has so many questions, so many thoughts clouding her mind, swirling around like mist on a foggy night. The kind of night that sends chills up and down the spines of even the most courageous. We fear these nights not because of the fog itself, but because of what the fog could be hiding. What might be lurking just a few feet ahead, concealed in the depths of this vapourous wall? We do not know. It is unknown, just like the hollows of her mind. And sometimes when we walk down an eerie street on a foggy night, we hear a sound. We catch a glimpse of something. Not even a tangible something, just a glimpse of movement. And nervously we will glance around, trying to put a name to this something, but it will be gone. And just as we will never know what we thought we saw, she will never know either. She will never know the answer to these endless questions. But she is braver than most. Unlike us on the foggy night, taking refuge in the closest brightly-lit building, happy to forget that we ever wondered what we saw, she will venture on through this eternal foggy night, ever searching for just one more glimpse.

Two poems for my "sisters"

2007-06-17T11:36:00.000-04:00

I want to do something special for my three best friends for our graduation, so I decided to write a poem for them. I ended up writing two and I need to decide which one to use. That's where you come in: tell me which one you like best! Please and thanks :)

Four in one

We are four separate bodies
With four separate lives.
Different hopes, different dreams,
Different fears, different trials.
We like our own music,
Our own sports, our own shows.
We all have our own secrets,
The things nobody knows.
We have our own families,
Our own destinations.
We all have special gifts,
And our own limitations.
We are nothing alike,
Not one like another,
But we share something special,
And that is each other.

We are there for each other
Through the good and the bad.
We dry the tears
Be they joyful or sad.
Our pasts are built
On memories so sweet.
The bonds that we have
Cannot be beat.
We pour out our hearts
When they’re heavy or broken,
Knowing “they’ll understand”
Even words left unspoken.
We laugh at ourselves
And our ridiculous plans,
But wherever they lead us
We’ll go hand in hand.

The four of us
Make each other whole.
Though we are four separate people
We share one single soul.

Through it all

Though the trees we climbed
may fall to the ground
Though the streets we played in
may no longer exist
Though the houses we called home
may be torn down
Though the schools we grew up in
may sit empty
Though the hair we fretted about
may gray with age
Though the clothes that we shared
may go out of style
Though the elders we looked up to
may see the end of their days
Though the kids we babysat
may become parents themselves
Though the shows we watched
may become only reruns
Though the bands we sang along with
may be played on “oldies”
Though the boy next door
may move away
Though our inside jokes
may be forgotten
Though the pages of books we treasured
may wrinkle from wear
Though photographs we cherished
may yellow with time
Though tears of pain and anguish
may wet our cheeks
Though smiles of overwhelming joy
may wrinkle our skin
Though the lakes that we swam in
may dry up
Though the sun that shone above us
may set ten thousand times
Our friendship will stand strong through it all.

i love you too (much)

2007-05-23T22:45:00.000-04:00

he said that no boy could ever love me until i learned to love myself.
i will never be loved.
i hate myself.
i will never stop hurting myself, because i don't deserve to stop feeling this pain.
i wish everyone would just hate me too.
but at the same time i just wish someone would love me.

everytime you say "i love you", i say "i love you too".
i should really be saying "i love you too much".
you're trying to save me from myself, but you're killing me.

i think i need a new city. new friends. a new life.
so how come, out of all the schools that accepted me, i chose the one in my hometown?
i think i might've just made the biggest mistake of my life.
this could be the death of me.
or you could be the death of me.
most likely i will be the death of me.
i don't really care what ends up being the death of me, i just hope it comes soon.

"The Way She Feels" --Between the Trees

2007-05-20T22:59:00.000-04:00

She’s upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it there’s nothing there
is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
as the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
and found relief in a knife
the blood flows as she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding

Curled up she’s on the floor
relief left her she had hoped for something more
from it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
wraps His arms around
and around and around and...
The deeper you cut
the deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
it only gets worse

Now she’s slowly opening...
new eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
and found relief through His life
and put down her knives

Then she opened her life
and found relief through His eyes
and put down
she put down her life

On a strict no-food diet

2007-05-17T19:37:00.000-04:00

I've lost 5lbs in 5 days. I just want for her to not make that face when I try on my prom dress for her.

It kills me that you know I'm starving myself but you still don't try to convince me to eat. Maybe it's because you really do think I'm fat, and you just didn't want to say it before.

Maybe someday when you tell me that I'm beautiful I'll actually believe you.

I hope I never send this...

2007-04-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Dear ............

I want to start by saying thank you. I've only known you for about a year, and you know better than anyone that it hasn't exactly been a great year for me, but some of my best memories and happiest moments from this year have been with you. You taught me so much about the important things in life, and I can honestly say that without you I never would have made it this far. I hope you never feel like you failed just because things didn't work out perfectly for me. That's just how life is; some people get "happy ever after", some just get "ever after", and some of us end up with nothing. I hope that you will be one of the ones who gets "happy ever after", because you deserve it more than anyone else I know. You have done so much for me and I only have one last thing to ask of you: please look after my friends. I know that it's not fair of me to do this to them and it's going to be hard for them, so please look after them like you looked after me. And even more importantly please look after yourself. Please don't be sad, or at least not for long, because I love it too much when you smile. Take care of yourself, thanks again, and I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough. I love you.

Love always,
Trisha

I wonder how he'd feel if he knew that I've already written my suicide note to him...

An Average Story

2007-04-16T18:31:00.000-04:00

This is an average story about a girl. This girl was average. In some ways she was below average, and in other ways she was above average, but in most ways she was right on average, so it averaged out to just average. The average girl did average things. She worked an average job, went to an average school, and had the same interests as every average girl out there. Most of the time the girl didn’t mind her average life. She was content doing average things every day. Besides, since she was average it meant that most people were just like her, and they were all content (weren’t they?) so she should be too (shouldn’t she?). But then, every once in a while, something in that average girl didn’t quite feel like the average things she normally felt. Something inside that average girl, deep down, was telling her that she didn’t want to be average. She didn’t want to be an average girl. She just wanted to be a girl. A girl with dreams. A girl who loved and who laughed. A girl who lived for today, not for yesterday and not for tomorrow. A girl who followed her heart, not the path laid down in front of her. A girl with nothing average about her life. But she was just an average girl living an average life in an average world full of average people living average lives. And she wondered… could they all be feeling the same?

Today

2007-04-13T20:52:00.000-04:00

I had a great day today. I got my acceptance from Queen's, everyone loved the cookies I baked, we did a really fun lab in chem, and I got perfect on a quiz. There was really nothing about this day that was bad!
So how come I spent the whole day feeling like I was going to burst into tears any second?

Existing in a generation lost among cut wrists and broken hearts

2007-03-25T17:31:00.000-04:00

My generation has nothing to be remembered by. We have no great movements. No great challenges we overcame. No great discoveries. What do we have? What will my generation be remembered for?
My generation is the generation of depression. Not a Great Depression that will be recorded in history textbooks twenty years from now. Ours is a depression that cuts much deeper, into our souls, and into our wrists.
My generation is lost.
I wish I could save my generation. I wish I could start a great movement. I wish I could overcome a great challenge. I wish I could make a great discovery. I wish I could make my generation great. But how can I save my generation when I cannot even save myself?
I am lost.

I want to do more than just exist.

Everytime I close my eyes I relive our last night together. I remember how it felt when you held my hand, when you touched my lips. I remember our last kiss. Our kiss goodbye. It didn't hit me until I was boarding the plane that I had actually fallen for you, and that I would never see you again.
Why can't things ever work out perfectly?

What can I say? I'm proud of myself!

2007-02-28T19:21:00.000-05:00

IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE I CUT MYSELF!!

:)

That is all.

The Last Post (for a while at least)

2007-02-09T14:21:00.000-05:00

it seems i only really need this blog when things are really bad, which they're not right now. i kind of miss writing here. i especially miss when my writing was really good instead of just these "complaining about my life" blogs. like back when i was all dark but not desperate. but i definitely don't miss being dark or desperate. or empty. i was empty for a long time. numb. that was me. but now i'm not. now i'm better. but i don't need this blog so much anymore. i guess it's a good thing. anyways, goodbye for now!

High on Happiness

2007-02-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I woke up and I was different. I don't know what happened. I took off my black nail polish. I went to my closet to find clothes to wear and had no desire to wear any of them. I searched through piles and piles of black and army green clothes, and realized that I really wanted a bright blue shirt. I was craving a bright blue shirt the way I usually crave chocolate or garlic bread. Bright blue like the sky. Full of possibilities. And I smiled. I smiled a lot. My friends couldn't understand why I was smiling when school started back up again. They asked me why I was so happy and I said "I don't know. Why not be happy?"
A couple days after I woke up a different person I also went to a youth group and I realized something. Actually I realized it in the car when I was listening to a song. I realized that the reason why I've been having so much trouble rebuilding my relationship with God is because I've been trying to make myself perfect before handing myself over. What I need to do is just give myself up to Christ and with Him in my life I'll be able to change. God will take me as I am, scars and all.
Yesterday me and a bunch of friends went downtown with big posters saying "FREE HUGS" and we gave out free hugs for hours. It was a huge success. I realized that I love to make people smile. That was the most rewarding day of my entire life. I feel like I'm high on happiness.
I'm floating right now. Life could not be better.

Missing You Is Killing Me

2007-01-30T18:29:00.000-05:00

No matter how far away I run, no matter how fast I move, no matter how much I try to cover my tracks, they always seem to find me. I don't know how they do it. Maybe they hide in my bags, or sneak in the back seat of the car when I'm not looking. Maybe they latch themselves onto my shoes and hold on for the hike. Maybe they can smell me out and hunt me down like prey. It doesn't really matter how they do it. The point is, I can't outsmart them. I can't escape them, I can't hide from them, and I most certainly can't face them head on and fight them. They have defeated me. I am at their mercy. They control my life. Every minute of every day they are there. In my dreams they are there. When I smile, when I frown, when I laugh, when I cry. When I'm tired, when I'm wide awake. When I'm surrounded by people, and when I'm alone in my room. They are always there. I try to ignore them, but to no avail. There is no hope. There is no way to beat them. They are more powerful than anything I've ever known. They are forceful, destructive, catastrophic, and yet delicate and beautiful too. They are in charge of my life now.

These thoughts of you, always creeping in my head. Why can't I forget you?

Missing someone has to be one of the most exhausting things one can experience.

I love...

2007-01-26T20:23:00.000-05:00

...the sweet things he says to me to make me feel better.

...when he tells me to smile.

...when he calls me beautiful.

...that he worries about me.

...when he holds doors for me, and always lets me go first.

...that he calls me first when something's upsetting him, even if it's one in the morning.

...how safe I feel when he hugs me.

...that he remembers every little thing I've ever told him, even things that won't ever matter or come up in a conversation again.

...how much I smile when I'm around him.

...his taste in music.

...his friends.

...his eyes.

...the person he's trying to help me become.

...the other side of life that he's opened my eyes to, which I never saw before.

...his spontanaeity.

...his hair, especially when it's still wet from a shower.

...that I have to stand on my tiptoes to hug him.

...that he loves baking cookies with me.

...that he would be willing to suffer through the cheeziest of chick flicks just to see me happy.

...his family.

...his dog.

...that he knows how to get anywhere by bus.

...that he always knows what to say to make me feel better.

...when he casually touches me.

...everything about him.

<333

I love him.

13 Secrets

2007-01-22T17:46:00.000-05:00

(inspired by http://itsureiscold.blogspot.com/ and http://iwannabebetterthanoxygen.blogspot.com/)

13 things you may not know about me..

1. I wish I could track down my best friend from when I was a toddler, just to see how she's turned out. I've even spent hours looking for her on the internet.

2. Sometimes I find myself looking down on my mom because I feel like I'm smarter than her.

3. I like thinking about what my funeral would be like. When I'm depressed I like it because I like the thought of me being dead. When I'm happy I like it because I like thinking about all the people who would go to my funeral; it reminds me that I'm loved.

4. I drink because my dad does and I hope that one day he'll find out that by the age of seventeen I've already earned myself the nickname "The Alcoholic" among my friends, and it'll hurt him as much as his drinking has hurt me.

5. I have the potential to be so much more than I am.

6. The one thing I can always count on to keep me from killing myself when I get really depressed is the thought of what it would do to my mom.

7. I use guys when I know they like me.

8. I think me and my best friend are drifting apart and I think it's my fault. I love her, but sometimes I just can't stand being around her.

9. I say I don't want kids because they're loud, annoying, etc.. The truth is, I've seen plenty of wonderful kids who have been raised really well; I'm just afraid my kids wouldn't turn out that way.

10. I still cry once in a while when I think about my dog. She died three years ago and I truly believe that I would be happier and a better person if she was still alive, or if my parents would let me get a new dog.

11. I don't feel beautiful, and I hate smiling, but I love it when he says "smile, Beautiful".

12. I love the rain. I can't think of anything better than walking home alone in the rain on a cool fall day.

13. I say "I love you" because I love hearing people say it back.

Dead To This World

2007-01-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

fuck. i was doing so well. i hate this feeling. i'm trying so hard to be strong. i'm trying so hard to push these thoughts out of my head. i'm trying so damn hard. i try to concentrate on my work. it keeps piling up and due dates approach and it's not done. exams soon and i'm so far behind, there's no way i'm going to catch up. i know i need to work. i know this is important. i know, i really do. but i can't clear my head. i can't focus my thoughts. i'm not angry, even though it probably seems like it when i yell at the people who love me. i'm not sad, even though it probably seems like it when i break down and cry. i'm not tired, even though it probably seem like it when i sleep my days away. i don't know what i am. i don't even know. everything just seem so foggy. my life is like some movie i'm watching from far away. i feel so detached from everything. i know that my actions have consequences, but i don't feel them. i don't feel anything. maybe that's why i started cutting myself before. the pain was some kind of feeling. it reminded me that i was still alive. but now i feel dead inside.

fuck. maybe i should just kill myself. i'm already dead to this world.

Happy Happy Happy!!! =D

2007-01-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

"hey trisha, how are ya?"
"i'm good, thanks!"
"ok, but how are you really?"
"i'm actually really good"

and it wasn't a lie :)

i've been doing really well the past few days. i've been happy! like really, genuinely happy. i've been smiling even! and not just these ones :) or even these ones :D but the smiles that go all the way to my eyes like these ones =D lol!

i'm a good friend. my friends can talk to me about anything, and they know it. they know that they can call me at 3 in the morning just to talk. i make my friends happy. it's weird, but all i have to do is smile one of these ones =D and they can't help but smile too. they come to me for hugs too. i love hugs :)

one of my friends keeps telling me that i'm her hero, and today a couple of my friends said that if they could be someone else, they'd be me. i told them that they don't want to be me. they don't see the side of me that these pages see.

another one of my friends told me yesterday that people are lucky to have me as a friend. it made me feel good. what they don't realize is that i've learned from the best: them!

anyways, basically i'm just really happy and i love it, and i owe it all to my amazing friends.

i love you guys! <333

call me, please

2007-01-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

i leave my cell phone turned on 24/7. i say it's just in case any of my friends need to talk sometime. really, it's because i'm always hoping that you'll call. everytime i get a call or a message i'm hoping it's from you. you've only ever called me to return my missed calls. sometimes you don't even do that. i know you don't mean to hurt me. i know you're trying to get me to stop hurting myself. that's why i can't bear to tell you that sometimes you're the cause of the pain that you help me cure.

i can't imagine my life without you now, but sometimes i can't help but wonder if things ever would have gotten this bad if i had never met you. sometimes i think that if i hadn't met you, i wouldn't be alive at all today. but other times i think that if i hadn't met you, i'd be the happiest person alive today.

call me, please.

(i know you'll never read this, but maybe you'll call anyway.)

i love you. <3

p.s. i'll be changing the settings on this blog sometime soon so that it' not viewable to, well, anyone. it's just because i want to show my friends the "tellthemday" page but i'm TERRIFIED of one of them finding my blog and figuring out that it's mine, since my blog is linked on that page. it'll only be for a week or so and i'll probably continue posting during that time so anyone who actually reads this can read all the blogs they missed after i've changed the settings back to normal. sorry... :]

Feelings

2007-01-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

"Feelings are just having a picture on the screen in your head of what is going to happen tomorrow or next year, or what might have happened instead of what did happen, and if it is a happy picture they smile and if it is a sad picture they cry." --Christopher, in Mark Haddon's novel "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time"

A Few Small Steps in the Right Direction

2007-01-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

i got my first (but hopefully not last) letter of acceptance from a university today! well i guess yesterday since it's after midnight but ya.. it's not my first choice but it's still pretty amazing. actually i'm not entirely sure what my first choice is so i can't even say that it's not. ahhh! and they offered me $3000 :D i also went to youth group today and that was pretty sweet. the people there are so incredibly nice and full of love and it's just great to see. and i talked to someone else today about what i've been going through. i didn't go into a lot of details but i think she understood a little bit cause shes been through some similar stuff and it just felt really good. i'm starting to see that i'm really not alone in this or in anything i go through. everyone goes through really big things that they hide from everyone until it breaks them down and they can't take it anymore. if we all just realized that and asked for help a little earlier things would be so different. and after i talked to that girl i texted the guy who's been helping me cause i just felt so happy and he said "you are definately loved Trisha by me and many others... goodnight beautiful" i love it when he calls me beautiful. i've decided i'm gonna start calling my friends beautiful once in a while. and telling them more often that i love them. because if i've been hiding this stuff from them, who knows what they've been hiding from me? maybe they just need a hug and to know that they're loved. afterall, isn't that really all any of us needs?

it's been a long night...

2007-01-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

for the last week or so i've been doing really good. yesterday i was actually smiling at work. i felt happier than i have in months, and i thought that maybe, just maybe, i would be happy from now on. but today my depression came back stronger than ever. it's been over a week and a half since i cut myself, but tonight is going to be a hard night. i'm hoping that if i come on here and write everytime that i get the urge to grab a razorblade then maybe i'll be able to make it through. so ya, this blog entry will basically be me just writing whatever pops into my head during the entire night until i finish my homework and i can go to bed and slip into dreams where there is no depression and safety pins are still safe and not used to rip my skin open. ok.. back to homework now...

10:28- ok so i've been sitting here for ages and i can't seem to concentrate on my homework. actually, i can't seem to even open my books. i get this a lot lately. i once actually sat at my desk for three hours without even opening my books. i just don't see the point anymore. all my life i've been in the top of my class. i've worked my ass of getting good marks. i've sacrificed so much of my childhood and teen years being "a good student" and what has it gotten me so far? well, before this whole depression started i was actually heading places. i could've had my pick of any university. i could've gotten tons of scholarships. i was set for life. or at least for the start of life. but now eveything is falling apart. my marks have slipped and i'm down to being an "average" student. don't get me wrong, average is great. but average sets me even with everyone else. now i'm afraid i won't get into my university of choice, and i'm afraid that i won't get any scholarships and i'll being paying off my student loans for 40 years. forty years. shit. that's a long time. forty years of work. so that i can pay off the loans that i had to take out so that i could get the job that would allow me to pay of the loans. that's pretty fucking messed up. and then what? then i die. and it's all been for nothing. i don't see the point. i don't see any point. why shouldn't i just drop out of school and enjoy my meaningless life? or better yet, why shouldn't i just swallow all the pills in the medicine cabinet, write a note saying "sorry i couldn't live a life without purpose like the ones the rest of you are living", cut my wrists, and fall asleep forever? what would i lose? and why would it even matter because i would never be alive to regret losing it anyway. i mean, it's not that i want to die. i just don't really have any particular desire to live. i don't have the guts to do it though. at least, i don't think i do. i wonder who would come to my funeral? i actually have a lot of people who love me. they're what keep me from doing anything. i hate to think that me killing myself could send one of them into depression. i would never want any of them to go through what i'm going through. i love them too much. they love me too. i can see it once in a while, when they see me and they smile and i can tell that it's not a fake one like mine, it's real. or when they thank me for being me. not for being a certain way, or doing a certain thing, but just for being me. or when they tell me that they love me and it's not just three words they've strung together into a pretty phrase, it's how they really feel. i could never hurt them. ok.. back to homework now..

11:32- wow i actually got a lot of french homework done and i'm feeling a little better now. it's kind of encouraging when i manage to actually accomplish something. i start to get really focused and determined, and then i work harder and get more done and then i feel even better and it's a really great cycle. normally soccer makes me feel better but tonight i still felt like crap. i think i just had so much going through my head that i couldn't get into the game. i actually asked my coach to bench me. normally he plays me more than everyone else and i love getting the extra playing time but today i made him take me off. i almost started crying. i realized how bad my depression must be if i can't enjoy the thing i love more than anything else in the world. my coach could tell that something was wrong too. people can often tell that something's wrong, but whenever they ask i just dismiss it saying "nothing" or "i'm just tired". and they always accept those answers. it's almost like they're too desperate for everything to be perfect to consider the possibility that i'm lying to them. i don't blame them either. if i was someone else i wouldn't want to get involved with my problems. i've actually told the only friend that knows about my depression and my cutting that he can walk away and pretend like he never knew and we can just end the friendship and i won't have any hard feelings. he refuses though. he's been really great. except today. i told him how horrible i was feeling and he didn't really say anything and then he started talking about his problem that one of his friends is mad at him. i understand that he has his own problems to deal with, but i spent the last week helping him get through another problem and i needed him to help me now. i finally got his attention when i casually mentioned that i was having a lot of trouble resisting the urge to cut myself again. but then shortly afterwards he left with just a quick "bye" and no "call me if you need to talk more" or "i love you" or anything. that really hurt me. maybe i was just being too needy. maybe i was annoying him with my contemplating the meaning of life and all that. but he was the one who said he'd help me through this, no matter what. oh well. i know i wouldn't care so much if i was so fucking in love with him. why can't i seem to get over him? it drives me crazy! sometimes i think i'm over him. when he tells me how happy he is with his girl i actually smile a genuine smile. it makes me happy to hear him so happy. and i love his girl, she's amazing! but then i start having thoughts about what it would be like if he was happy with me instead. maybe it's just because he knows so much about me, i've never felt so close to anyone before. i don't know. i'm kind of mad at him right now. but he is amazing. he'd never do anything to hurt me intentionally, which is why i can never really be mad at him when he hurts me, because i know it was accidental. he's changed me. i can't imagine my life without him anymore. *sighs* ok back to homework for a bit...

12:01- screw it i'm giving up on homework for the night. i'll try and finish the rest, or as much as i can, during my spare tomorrow. wow i actually made it without cutting myself. i didn't think i could. apparently i should have more faith in myself. ok nighty night!

Two Storms

2007-01-08T16:15:00.000-05:00

the clouds roll by, a rumble in the air. a storm is brewing. and in my mind, another storm brews.
the one outside my window will be violent and explosive. lightning will crack the sky. thunder will shake the earth. rain will pour down, tiny bullets of water pounding on my window, begging to be let in. the heavens will be dark, the sun cowering in fear behind clouds. trees will bend, bowing at the mercy of the winds. the power of the storm will be clearly visible in the destruction that it causes.
the storm in my head is quite different. it is dark and chaotic, just like the one outside. it is messy and frightening. just as powerful, just as destructive. however, no one will know its strength. no one will know its damage. no one, except me, will realize what this storm is capable of. the battle of wind and rain will break me down from the outside. but the battle of my mind will tear me apart from the inside, and no one will see until it is too late. the streets may flood but the thoughts whirling around in my mind are what will drown me.
the storm outside will be quick. once it is finished, the air will be calm. pink skies, the sun peeking out in the distance, the dirt of the world washed away. the chaos will pass and be replaced by tranquility. but there is no end in sight for my storm.

that's right, i'm daring to dream

2007-01-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

someday, i'm going to do something. i'm going to do something big. big in a good way. and good in a big way. something that will change things. maybe not change the world, but change a life. just one. or even just inspire someone to change their life. that's all i want. one thing that changes one life. then i will be happy.

someday i'm going to do it.

i realized today that i don't want to be a vet. i've said all my life that i want to be a vet. i've taken all the highschool courses to get me there. i've applied to science programs at 5 top universities. i've dreamed of nothing else. until today. i will still be a vet, but it's not what i want the most.

i want to be a writer.

it's just another dream, but at least i'm daring to dream, right?

Happy New Year's

2007-01-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

2007. let's hope it goes better than 2006. hey, you never know, this could be the year that we achieve world peace. it's not likely, but it's nice to think that it could be. it will also be the year i graduate from high school and the year i start university. maybe it could be the year i beat my depression, or the year i learn to trust people, or the year i fall in love. it's a new year, and anything can happen..

"This Is A Call" --Thousand Foot Krutch

2006-12-30T22:35:00.001-05:00

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like It's all right on,
as she smiles again her mother
lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feelslike falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
' Cause everytime I fall down,
Ireach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story,
because he feels his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music,
cause he likes it that way.

He knows, he's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface,
because he's starting to get nervous.

He's calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
' Cause everytime I fall down,
Ireach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'm asking you,
to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before?
'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore.
Take me to place where nothing's wrong
and thanks for coming, shut the door.
They say someone out there sees us,
Well if you're real then save me Jesus,
cause I've been here for far too long.
I wasn't meantto feel alone.

And now I'm calling out to you,
this is a call; this is a call out,
'Cause everytime I fall down,
I reach out to you,
and I'm losing all control now,
and my hazard signs are all out,
I'masking you,
to show me what this life is all about.
Show me what this life is all about
Show me what this life is all about

Sometimes...

2006-12-29T00:10:00.000-05:00

sometimes i want someone to ask me how i am. i don't mean just ask the question, i mean really ask me how i am. really mean it. really care about the answer i give them. and when i lie through the smile i'm struggling to hold on my face, i want them to grab my hand, hold it tight, look me in the eye, and tell me to tell the truth. i want someone to tell me that they don't want me to hurt anymore. tell me that it tears them up inside when they see me tearing myself apart. tell me that they miss my smile, the real one, when my eyes would glow and the world seemed a better place just because of it. tell me that they would do anything just to see that smile again, to see me happy.

sometimes, that's what i want.

but most of the time, the thought of showing my true self to someone terrifies me.

Please, Let Me Catch You

2006-12-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

You took a chance, took a risk, climbed out on a limb. As a girl, I snapped that limb and sent you falling downwards. But as your friend, I'll be standing at the bottom waiting to catch you before you land.

Everything's going to change, isn't it?

2006-12-28T01:51:00.000-05:00

We had a perfect friendship, the three of us. We were so different, no one understood how we could even be friends. I loved the funny faces they made when I told them who I was spending my Friday night with. But it worked, our little thing we had going on. The really smart guy, involved in all the non-sports-related extra-curriculars, the emo guy, new to town, and me, the girl whose interests crossed somewhere between yours plus sports. I loved what we had. We joked. We made fools out of ourselves and didn't care that people were watching. We could talk for hours and forget about all the homework that we were actually supposed to be working on. It was different from any other friendships I had. It was an escape.

But then something changed. I've thought alot about whether girls and guys can ever really be just friends. I hoped, I really did, that they could. For a while there I thought I had found the answer I was looking for. And then, well, I don't really know what happened. Suddenly, instead of the three of us, it became two. Me and one guy, or me and the other. I didn't think much of it, partly because I didn't want to, and partly because I had convinced myself that it was just because our schedules were too different, making plans for three just wasn't possible. Of course, when you asked me out, it became a little difficult to ignore this little love triangle I unknowingly built for myself.

Or did I know? Didn't I ask someone a couple weeks ago if I should be worried about you wanting more than friendship? Didn't I lie awake several nights running over in my head the things you had said? Haven't I known for a while now that, no, girls and guys can't be just friends? And yet, I kept going. I didn't try to make my intentions clearer. I never stopped to think about how this could hurt you. Instead I just ignored your feelings, because I didn't want to deal with them. I was happy with where we were and I didn't want it to change so I just pretended to not notice. I lead you on. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. And now I don't know how to tell you all this.

Yes, everything is going to change.

Proverbs

2006-12-20T23:52:00.000-05:00

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief. (Proverbs 14:13)

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. (Proverbs 15:13)

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones. (Proverbs 15:30)

Red

2006-12-20T00:34:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a little kid, red has always been my favourite colour. Red was brilliant and bold. Red was mysterious and seductive. Red was playful and dangerous. Red was strong but beautiful. Red was everything I wanted to be. Now, red is simply the colour of my blood as it runs down my arm from the cuts on my wrists, and drips from the razorblade used to make those cuts. The razorblade that I held in my hand. I did this to myself. I ruined the colour red.

i hate loving you

2006-12-18T09:52:00.000-05:00

i hate how you can make me feel. i hate how dependent i've become on you. i hate the way others look at me when i'm with you. i hate that i can't imagine my life without you. i hate that i don't want to imagine my life without you. i hate that i love you. but i love you just the same.

This Battle Inside My Head

2006-12-16T00:14:00.000-05:00

This battle inside my head rages forever. Nonstop. Day and night. Wherever I am this battle goes with me. A moment of peace is something I only dream of. Music pounding in my ears and all I hear is the voices in my head, back and forth, angry words and harsh cries. The sun setting in the distance, pink clouds and purple skies, and all I see is the battlefield I have created in my mind. People who love me surround me and all I feel is alone. No one knows this feeling. No one can know.

In this war there is no right side or wrong side. Everything is crumbling, a mess of thoughts and emotions in dissaray. In this war, there are no dead bodies lying in the mud, but there is blood on my hands, on my arms, dripping to the floor, and inside I have died. I died a long time ago. And now I walk among the living and I see their eyes, full of light and life, and I know that they too will soon die. Everyone knows that we all die eventually, but what some don't realize is that, long before our hearts stop beating, they stop glowing, and we die inside. A light goes out. Our eyes become dull. Our hearts heavy and dark. And our minds become battlefields in a war between the instinct to go on and the desire to give up.

If you are among those who still live in happiness, hold on to that light. Protect the flame with everything you have because that flame IS everything you have and once you lose it you have lost everything. Don't let any wind blow it out, any drop of rain put it out, any hand smother it. Love your light like you love your life, because this light IS your life.

If you are among those who wander aimlessly through the empty streets of the world, you are not alone, yet at the same time you are. You see, there are other like you, others who have lost everything they loved, everything they lived for. There are others who know how you feel. But, like you, they do not understand and they can think of nothing but the battle in their own heads, so they cannot help you. I wish I could help you, but I can't. I wish someone could help me, but I know that no one can save me from this pain.

This battle inside of me rages on, but I don't know if I can go on with it. I don't know if I can go on.

i need Your help

2006-12-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

i want to be happy. i want to feel Your love shine on my heart. i want to feel Your hands lifting me high above the troubles of the world. i want to feel Your power moving me from within, directing me in my life and the things that i do day after day after day. day after meaningless day. i know the days are not meaningless but without You in my life this is what they have become. day after day i struggle to pull myself from the comforts of my bed, i force myself to get up and survive the trials that are thrown at me, and then i return to my bed. this is all i do. day after day. and i know i will continue to do this until the day i die. but what will it gain me? what will happen to me? i will die. everyone will die. why does it matter if i die now or in seventy years? why does it matter how i die? why does it matter if i take my own life or if it is taken from me? either way i will lose my life. so what does it gain me to go on? i used to feel You, feel Your presence in my life, in my actions, in my heart, You were there. but now it feels like You let go. i feel anger and sadness, i feel depression and despair. i feel nothing. where have You gone and why have You left me? why can't i see You anymore? i miss You. i call out to You but i don't hear Your answer. i want nothing more than for You to tell me what it is that i should do. what would You say to me if i could hear You? i need an answer to this life. i need a solution. because right now my solution isn't getting me anywhere. then again, neither is my life.

writer's block..

2006-12-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

hmmmm... i've been having trouble writing lately. too much stuff spinning around in my head i guess. at least my grounding is almost over so soon i'll be able to hang out with friends again and relax a little more (and by 'relax' i mean 'drink') i definately should never have had that party when my parents went out of town... o well, live and learn, right? too bad i never seem to learn from my mistakes..

Curious But Afraid

2006-12-10T20:50:00.000-05:00

(Note: I wrote this poem back in July for an online summer school course (writer's craft) so it's pretty old and it's a lot more structured and formal than stuff that i just write for myself. It's supposed to show a duality in my character. With this poem I wanted to show how I am torn between curiosity and fear. I want to learn new things and travel new roads, but I am afraid of what I will find out or where I will end up. anyways, i just happened upon it and kinda liked it so ya.. here it is...)

O World uncertain, passing by,
What will life bring before I die?
Where will lead these roads I travel?
How will my threads Fate unravel?

These doubts I raise to stars ablaze.
Wish for light through this murky haze.
But their reply I never hear
Because my ears I shield in fear.

Curiosity does lure me.
Whisp’ring temptations intently.
Inqui’ring. Questioning. Eager.
Will life be bright, or joy meager?

Apprehension does draw me back.
Knowledge I crave; courage I lack.
Suspecting. Doubting. Tentative.
Will these be years I want to live?

I long to know what time may bring.
Where will I fly on chance's wings?
But would my journey be in dread
If I foresaw what lay ahead?

Is living in shadows ever
Less fright’ning than seeing the light?
Hiding here in fear I wonder,
Does darkness ever outshine truth?

O World uncertain, passing by,
What will life bring before I die?
But I am forced to live unsure,
Curious, but fearing future.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

2006-12-09T19:10:00.000-05:00

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I am...

2006-12-07T00:57:00.000-05:00

I am a poet writing of my pain
I am a person living a life of shame
I am your daughter hiding my depression
I am your sister making a good impression
I am your friend acting like I'm fine
I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine
I am a girl who thinks of suicide
I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
I am a student who doesn't have a clue
I am the girl sitting next to you
I am the one asking you to care
I am your best friend hoping you'll be there

(Note: I didn't write this but I can't find who did)

99?

2006-12-05T00:33:00.000-05:00

I wonder who actually reads this blog. I've been writing here for over 8 months now, and in that time I have apparently had 99 profile views (Will you be lucky #100?). Considering how long I've had this blog, that number is relatively low. However, considering the fact that I have never actually given this address to anyone, that number surprises me. What 99 people have checked out my profile? What 99 people have read my writing? And what 99 people didn't leave a comment? I don't write for other people; I write for myself because it helps me to sort out my feelings. Even so, it would be nice to get some feedback once in a while. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who checks my blog regularly, hoping that I've updated. If I just stopped writing tomorrow would anyone wonder what happened to me? If I died tomorrow would anyone miss my writing? I think all those people out there who have blogs like mine that they keep secret from those they love probably like to think, like me, that maybe, just maybe, someone out there loves to read their stuff. And maybe someone is going through something similar and, without knowing it, their writing is helping that person get through a tough time. Maybe someone will learn something. I know I like to think all of that sometimes. But of course I have no idea, because no one has ever left a comment. If you're reading this, I'd love to know who you are and what you think about my writing. Even more, I'd love to know why you're reading this at all!

deny deny deny

2006-12-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

it's amazing how easy it is to hide something that people don't want to see.

Ruining My Life

2006-11-27T22:15:00.000-05:00

Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping...
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--
Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further....
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
Betadine...
Antibiotic cream...
Medical tape...
Scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and noone will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands--
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool...
Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--
At the same time you love it and can not live without it...

"Outside of This" --Greeley Estates

2006-11-20T19:14:00.000-05:00

She's searching for someone
To save her from this place,
To rescue (rescue) her from what she can't escape
There's not much hope left
She's thrown it all away
Been knocked down so much she can't get up
She cries out in pain

Take me (take me away) away
(Further away)
Outside of this!
I'm looking (falling apart) for what's...
(Looking for what's...)

Her make up smeared around
As tears run down her face
The mask she (the mask she) had is soon to be erased
She's broken and let down with nowhere left to turn
Asking herself, "What's worth living for?"
She cries out again

Take me (take me away) away
(Further away)
Outside of this!I'm looking (falling apart) for what's
(Looking for what's)
Outside of this! Outside of this!

The candle is burning out!
The light flickers away!
The candle is burning out!
The light flickers away!
The candle is burning out!
The light flickers away!
You reach out your hand
To save her from this place
You reach out your hand...
To save her from this place

Take me (take me away) away
(Further away)
Outside of this!
I'm looking (falling apart) for what's
(Looking for what's)
Outside of this!

Take me away! (Take me away)
Further away! (Further away)
Outside of this!
I'm falling apart (Falling apart)
Looking for what's... (Looking for what's)
Outside of this! Outside of this! Outside of this!

Take me away! Further away! Outside of this!

Joshua 1:9b

2006-11-12T23:10:00.000-05:00

Be stong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9b)

just friends.. as always

2006-10-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

"he considers you a very good friend"

i have too many fucking friends.

A Love Triangle So Complicated You Might Think It's From A Movie

2006-10-29T12:15:00.001-05:00

Me and one of my best friends like him. He likes another one of our best friends. I danced with him but only after he tried dancing with the other best friend and she completely rejected him because she knows that I like him. I was his rebound but he doesn't know that I was the cause of his rebound. I knew he was hurting and I should have left him alone because now he's more confused than ever. All she wants is for him to not like her. All I want is for him to like me. Love triangles should not exist outside of movies, especially ones this complicated.

"You And Me" --Lifehouse

2006-10-28T15:53:00.000-04:00

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

I miss you, life

2006-10-26T00:50:00.000-04:00

I understand that my life could be a lot worse than it is. It's just that I always imagined it would be so much better than it is. And so even though I've never really lost anything, I feel like I've lost a life. I've lost a life I never had, and I miss it dearly.

I forget the last time...

2006-10-24T23:26:00.000-04:00

Remember a time when I was happy?

...Neither do I.

the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me

2006-10-19T21:22:00.000-04:00

Love exists no matter how many times your heart gets broken no matter how many times you feel like no ones there no matter what know this someone loves you maybe you just haven't met them yet or maybe he hasn't realized it yet

i don't care anymore that you're not that person, i just love that you're my friend
<3

Vow of Celibacy

2006-10-11T19:11:00.000-04:00

Ok. so a couple of my friends have decided to take a vow of celibacy. by celibacy i'm not talking about sex (although that is included), i'm talking about guys. they are swearing off of guys completely from now until christmas (well one of the two has decided that her vow will last until she meets someone so its really not a vow of celibacy its just her being single for a while). anyways, i've decided that i think i might join them. see right now im still trying to get over this one guy who i fell really hard for. the problem is he's one of my best friends and he's completely in love with another girl. but that's not where my problem ends. cause i'm also falling for this other guy. we're just friends and we're not that close but i'm pretty sure he just sees me as the annoying girl who always asks him for answers to hmwk. and really i've just always had horrible luck with guys. so i'm thinking that the best thing for me right now might be to just forget about guys entirely. so i'm going to take the vow of celibacy too. except im going to visit my sister this wknd and get really drunk and ya so im gonna start my vow on monday. and i can't last til christmas so i'm gonna do 60 days so it'll take me to december 15. ya.. i'm going to be sooo bad at this. i'm thinking of starting a new blog just to record the happenings in my life during the next two months. it should be... interesting...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-10-09T14:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving everyone! This year I am thankful for true friends. Without them I don't know where I'd be. I don't even know who I would be if I didn't have my friends. I love you guys! Oh and I'm also thankful for coffee. I love you, coffee. <3

"Seventeen Ain't So Sweet" --The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

2006-10-02T20:55:00.000-04:00

Well she never was the best
At following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest
Even though it seemed
Like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down
Didn't hold her back oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

chorus:
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn
There's a scream in your voice
And I hope you will be heard
There's a fire in your eyes
And I hope you let it burn
Until you're heard, you're heard

Seventeen is just a test
And I would recommend
That you live with no regrets
Even if it seems
Like the world is crashing on you
Shouldn't let it hold you down
Shouldn't hold you back oh no

Don't worry you'll show them

(chorus)

Relax girl, turn down the lights
Or no one can see you shining
Relax girl, it'll be alright
No one can stop you if you try

The point of rhythm is to follow it in time
So listen to the beating in your mind
Remember if you seek then you shall find

(chorus)

i love you guys!

2006-09-28T01:46:00.001-04:00

i just have to say i have the best friends in the world. i just had the worst day EVER and all my friends are being so supportive and comforting. i mean, they have a lot of the same shit to go through so i know how busy and stressed they are too but they still take the time to check in on me and make sure i'm doing ok. they're willing to let me copy their homework if it means that i'll get a couple extra hours of sleep, because they worry about me wearing myself out or overdosing on caffeine or something. they're exhausted themselves but they tell me to call them anytime, even if its 3 in the morning, if i'm having a breakdown or something. they have their own problems to deal with and i know that and i know how hard things are for them but they still take on the extra load of dealing with my problems too. even my sister who i never get along with is trying to help me out, telling me that i need a break, that i deserve a break. i'm going to go visit her for a weekend in a couple weeks. it'll be good for me. i need to get away from this, even if it is just for a couple days. this is hard. life is hard. i'm glad that i have my friends to get me through it though cause i don't know what i would do without them. i love them sooooo much!!! :)

Why do I feel like I just made a huge mistake?

2006-09-27T21:58:00.000-04:00

Today, on my way to the job I hate, I made a stop at the job I love to drop off my letter of resignation. For once in my life I was trying to think logically about something. Why on earth did I think logic has anything to do with anything? Why didn't I follow my heart? And why didn't anyone stop me from making such a big mistake?

This could be the first big regret of my life...